Hi Hannah
Rifts can develop without you knowing how they occurred but the addiction to gamble is divisive – a rift is something that can be put to good use subconsciously by a gambler.
Rifts, silences, an air of constant disappointment hanging in the air, and an inability to communicate give the addiction an excuse to gamble – after all it is the preferred escape route for a CG.
We often talk on this site about doing something different – but it hard to think of alternatives. Maybe you could see a different way forward with the following – many of us have used this method at the start of our recoveries and found it helped us cope.
If you can, imagine your husband’s addiction as a beast in the corner of the room watching your actions and speech. When you try and talk about his addiction the addictive beast will be wide awake and ready to defend itself at all costs. It is manipulative and favours rifts and confusion so that it can indulge itself.
Your husband is controlled by the beast but you are not. It will have convinced your husband that he is a worthless failure with no hope and he will be feeling lost and afraid – his coping mechanism is to demoralise you with blame, excuses and deceit. You, on the other hand are stronger than his addiction and you can make a difference.
I think F&F waste energy and time wanting to believe that what the CG is saying might be the truth – I think that it is better to listen to the CG without getting involved which removes you from the eye of the storm. I think you were completely right when you decided that your husband was feeling sorry that he had been caught and not sorry that he had gambled. It is something you have learned and is something to put with all the other experiences that ultimately will give you your answer.
The way you are feeling at the moment probably makes it easier to avoid arguments but of course the disappointment is still hanging heavily between you; the beast is wide awake and your husband will not see how to change things – gambling is his only answer!
Do you have happy times together or is gambling marring every corner of your life? Your husband admits he has a problem which is a small gap in the door but just how to kick it open? Do you help him clear his debts; will you try and pacify his friend who will want his money back? Is it possible to tell his friend that your husband has a problem? Do you have supportive family and friends?
You certainly don’t sound cold – you sound at the bottom of the abyss and you want out of it. It is at times like this that I believe the best decisions can be made – it was the abyss that forced my CG to look at his life and do something about it.
Are your children at an age where they can understand what is happening?
This site is not GA Hannah, many people don’t take to the idea of GA but prefer this site. There is a lot of support for someone who admits they have a problem. My CG kicked his addiction into touch with the GMA programme, which is a brilliant rehab. Although it takes time out of life it works and offers a gamble-free future for those who embrace it. There are also dedicated counselors.
Maybe I am not reading between the lines properly but it seems to me that your husband has not been hurt enough by his behaviour – you have been hurt enough to seek help but your husband is still getting enablement from a friend who sadly should have know better than to lend him money.
Keep posting Hannah – it would be great if you could make a group
Velvet