Hi guys,
I am 15 days gamble free today, that was since a minor slip up with (thankfully) minor losses, it was another 15 days gamble free before that.
So in that last 30 days I’ve had one slip up – that’s a bit of a blot on an otherwise gamble free month, but I’m trying to focus on the positives rather than the negatives 🙂
I’ve found myself obsessing less over my finances and just allowing time to pass – I’m gradually coming to terms with my debt and how long it will take to pay it off.. it’s a big chunk of my life to lose but I think healing is all about coming to terms with that loss rather than trying to undo it or erode it by trying to win.
If I’m honest I have found myself going to the slot game manufacturer websites and playing the games on free mode… I don’t know why I do this, I guess I like to imagine it’s real and then when I lose over and over again it feels good knowing that it’s not real and it re-affirms my decision not to gamble.. it disproves any notion I might have that if I go for one big stakes session that I will win.
I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this for others though since it’s kinda like a nicotine patch for a quitting smoker and might foster that dependancy somewhat 🙂
I’m using an app called Way of life to track my gambling progress and other metrics in my life, currently the gambling side of it is trending down to almost completely zero.
Life is getting back on track- I have a tiny bit of financial room to wiggle which means no more payday loans ever again I hope.. and no more lying to myself ever again… or collapsing in tears promising myself I will quit.
it’s been a dark chapter – and I REALLY feel like I’m coming out of it now, I truly feel in this moment that after (almost) 30 days gamble free that I Will stick to it. But I don’t want to stop coming here and reading, I don’t want to forget what it was like.
Take care everyone!