Hi Gaby
It is so hard when the person who one would have thought should have been the role model is found to have feet of clay.
For many people, however a parent, sibling or child has the sadness of finding a fundamental weakness in another family member. It is very important when it comes to the addiction to gamble that it is understood that nobody is to blame – there was nothing that you could have done to stop your mother gambling and nothing she could have done to stop herself owning this terrible addiction.
What you do today is what matters. ‘You’ matter, your education and future happiness matters and will make a difference to your mother. The addiction to gamble is riddled with feelings of guilt and shame – the less she can feel she has wrecked your life, the more hopeful she could feel about her own life.
This site is free Gaby, as is GA. Gamblers anonymous is an amazing changer of people’s lives ‘if they want to change’. Sadly you cannot make your mother stop gambling but you can direct her to those who would willingly support her in her quest to be gamble free. This site has a brilliant Helpline where your mother can communicate one-to–one anonymously. We have terrific facilitators for groups of gamblers where sharing and understanding is to be found. Your mother can stop gambling but she has to seek the support that is available.
I know it is hard but in my opinion, the neighbours and friends from whom she has taken money should be told that your mother has an addiction. Hopefully they can also be told that she is seeking help but that will be down to her. You should not pay her debts because it leaves her free to ‘borrow’ again and doesn’t help her or you. The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy, if one person will not give money then another will unless they are aware. There should be no shame about admitting this problem, as I have said, nobody is to blame. Ideally it should be your mother that tells her relatives, friends and neighbours because that would be a big step towards acceptance of her problem but failing that it might be that someone could inform her that the relatives, friends and neighbours should be told for their protection and also for her sake.
Your mother is almost certainly depressed because of her addiction and not addicted because of depression. It is her addiction that should be addressed.
You are right when you say you will not get your money back and it is likely that the friends, relatives and neighbours will not get their money back either but that is not something you should worry about – you cannot balance the books and make it right. Sadly they may have to learn the hard way that a compulsive gambler needs support, not money.
Can you talk to your father?
Please post again Gaby. I know my message is tough but sadly you cannot ‘know’ that your mother wants to get help. People have not been successful in getting her to stop because they have not understood that it is your mother who has to want to stop. Keep communication open with her, tell her straight that you will not enable her; listen to her but do not place your trust in her because she cannot trust herself; direct her to free and wonderful support. Above all look after yourself because you are an achievement for her, something she can be proud of.
Velvet
