Hi Fritz you wrote
“act like a big shot, have a few more drinks, act like an ass, lose the rest of the money, go home and cry and think about suicide”
This I fully understand and it is awful. Been at that point so many times I have lost count! You quit before and can quit again … just this time make it permanent. Keeping going to the GA meetings, get as many blocks in place. Carry NO money. Have NO access to cards. Wear your addiction openly on your sleeve. Hide it from no one. Make yourself fully accountable. This is the hard part …. the early days but your here. Keep posting my friend! And welcome to GT 🙂