Hi Everyone, Since I wrote this initial post I did increase the damage, I literally keep thinking I can keep winning the money back. I’ve been having crazy mood swings, I think this is why I keep relapsing. I’m not able to forgive myself and whenever I gamble I gamble large and play until there is nothing left. In 90 days Ive run through 40k, absolutely wild. There is no way I can gamble responsibly, I have finally accepted this. I live in a beautiful city (Kingston), Im young, with a good job, and I’ve had no problem finding “company” in the past. The money is one thing, but gambling has literally taken away everything good in my life. It’s to the point where I can’t enjoy anything at all, it’s a miserable existence, no energy or desire to do anything. I swallowed my pride and asked the military if they could send me to rehab, so that will be happening for two months beginning next week, I also have a problem with booze. After a GA meeting today I feel like I finally got it, and gambling is done for me….for good. I’m hopeful when I get out at the end of the summer I will have better coping mechanisms and can resume my career. I know I’ve been very emotional on the forum but I have been in a whirlwind of emotions and it’s brutal. Yesterday I was speaking to my counsellor and I realized how warped my brain has become as a result of this addiction. He said, “You should be happy, you haven’t blown everything, you still have 100k in the bank, more than most soldiers your age”. I replied with, “That only makes it worse considering what I’ve lost”. I’m not sure if it’s the gambling, the years of drinking, or the depression from gambling but his comment pissed me off. Another part of my problem is that up until Apr I have been great with money, not buying much and saving everything…. I think this might have had an impact on how I exploded with the online gambling. I’ve been very open with my family and friends, maybe alittle to much. My poor mother, I just call her and freak out on a regular basis and that’s added to my guilt and shame. How long did you guys find until you were actually able to get a good nights sleep? The worst part about this whole thing, IMO, is that I haven’t behaved as a military officer should. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve my life or my job, everything was great up until a few months ago. It’s wild how you can have a loving partner, approaching a career milestone, and money to do whatever you like and 100 days later you just lay in bed all day wanting to die (I even bought a helium tank on the weekend….). I know I’ve always had something wrong with me over the years, I just wish it didn’t turn about to be this addiction that wastes money and makes you sick constantly. I guess the best case scenario is starting the fall a couple of months “clean” with a better way of thinking. This may be a bit personal, but I’ve noticed since this all began my libido has completely crashed, I believe this is a result of the major depression I am in. Is this common for compulsive gamblers? Will I ever get back to the way that I felt before? Happy, confident, driven, sense of humour?
