Hi Clare
Forums such as this go up and down – sometimes they are buzzing and other times it is almost as though the addiction has ceased to exist. Sadly, however, it does exist and you and your family are suffering because of it.
I love your ten year olds description of the way life should be – I wish he could have his dream. He is lucky that he has you as his mum ready to help him have the future he deserves.
I wrote ‘the F&F Cycle’ to help members see the pattern of mood swings that goes with the gambling addiction, to hopefully show friends and family how we can easily get caught up in it without understanding what is going on. Once we see the pattern I think it becomes easier to break out – easier but not easy.
Many CGs do struggle with intimacy and this can be due in no small part to the addiction filling their minds leaving no room for the affectionate/physical side of a loving relationship. It is not unknown for the CG to turn to porn or even to stray to fulfil a basic need, without having to be gentle and loving. Unfortunately there is often someone waiting in the wings to offer a shoulder to cry on and/or enablement without making any emotional demands. The gambling addiction is the most demanding of mistresses. What was your husband’s behaviour like before last November – was he a good father was he a loving husband, were you happy?
The ‘cause’ of the problem is not you Clare and when you decide what it is that you want to do I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so. In my opinion, you should put you and your children first – especially while he is not taking responsibility for them. From reading your posts I can hear that you are a great role model for your children, the rock for them to cling on to.
I believe the way forward for you, certainly in the near future, is that it is best to accept your husband is not going to give his children the support they deserve – he probably didn’t show up at the police station because that would be taking responsibility and he is not prepared to take responsibility for anything or anyone at the moment. Can you reinvigorate your medical career and maybe find support for your autistic son from colleagues? Children will suffer from rejection and the repeated abandonment will be confusing them further. Is your eldest son getting support with his mental health – I was so sorry to read about a young man attempting suicide?
I want so much to support you Clare and I feel my timing is not good for you at all – I am taking a holiday soon for 3 weeks and for the first time, since I began here with GT, I am not taking my lap top with me. I am so sorry.
We have a great Helpline, it is one-to-one and private – please use it if the responses on the forum are slow. My next group is Thursday 30th August between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time – it would be really good to ‘meet’ you – nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is safe and we can be completely open and honest with each other.
Your husband’s behaviour is sadly typical of a gambling addict but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know that he could control it with treatment – however as I am sure you appreciate he has to want that treatment. Keep learning about his addiction, it will help you make the right decision for you and your children. In the meantime, for what it is worth, my thoughts are with you and please never lose hope. You are stronger than his addiction.
I hope you are still reading
Velvet
