Hi Chamomile
I remember going on line to look for a lying addiction but there wasn’t one – I found a forum where someone told me that he had one but then I reasoned he wouldn’t have told me if he had! When someone applies logic and reason to the addiction to gamble they won’t find it and yes it is common for CGs to lie about everything, not just their gambling.
Sometimes people tell me that they won £10 on the lottery last week and £50 on a horse the week before with no mention of loss – a CG hears these things too and must wonder why it can’t be so for them. When a CG first places a bet for fun, it could not be suspected that the action would have the reaction it has. The loss, that occurs inevitably, leads to the first lie to cover up disappointment.
I believe that the second lie and the third lie probably come easier because then there are no repercussions from friends or family – and ‘everybody loses sometimes don’t they?’ For many CGs lying becomes the tool of choice, the way to get a quiet life while they indulge in something they feel they cannot control. In the end after months and years their memories are based on lies and truth is a foreign field. However, this is all learned behaviour and with the right treatment the CG can learn to control their life and live exceptional lives, all the better often, I believe, for the courage it took to face the demon that beset them.
Your partner said that he had tens of thousands of dollars and it turned out to be perhaps $5000 – there was a nugget of truth in what he said – his mother did look after some money. The actual amount probably felt unimportant to your partner as money has little importance to a CG apart from being a means to an end. For the CG; the ‘gamble’ is what matters and whether a bet is $10 or $50.000 dollars the ‘gamble’ is what excites the CGs brain. Many, many CGs who determine to control their addiction ask someone else to handle their finances and that is a massive step forward.
You write that you gave him the opportunity to tell you everything and anything he has ever lied about and I am glad that he was able to tell you some big stuff because that suggests he trusts you. A CG has to learn to trust those who love them and in my opinion it is probably harder than F&F learning to trust a CG. Whether he told you everything is, in my view, unlikely but does it really matter?
Nobody knows Chamomile when a true recovery starts, not the CG and not those who love them – only time determines a true control of the addiction. Slips should not necessarily be viewed as negative – working through a slip can make a CG stronger for the future. I appreciate that you may have heard it all before and I know what that is like but from what you have said maybe your CG is posibly genuinely trying
For all the above I believe that it is important that you don’t try and believe and trust too early because there may well be further disappointments for both of you. Keep your feet firmly on the ground and listen to what he is saying while staying calm – as you have already been doing. He almost certainly doesn’t ‘know’ that you would prefer to be hurt by the truth than to be kept happy with lies – such knowledge will only come a lot later for him – but it can come and at the risk of repeating myself I say again ‘I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that he can learn to be honest.’
I’m going to leave this here for now Chamomile to give you a chance to ask more questions or update on what is happening.
Velvet
