Hi Anthony
You have started your thread with a post that must have been hard to write – I want you to know that you have been heard and understood.
I think your message to your mom was a wonderful way of showing her how much you care but I am sure you are aware that her addiction will probably prevent her from accepting your words as they are meant.
Your mom has a roof over her head with your grandma so you know where she is and that she is safe which is good – is your grandma aware of her daughter’s addiction? Is your grandma a strong woman?
You, your brothers and your father know you have done your best so your mother’s unkind words have no basis in fact. If she was in control of her addiction you can be sure that these are not the words she would express.
When it is felt that everything has been tried and there has been no change for the better it is time to think what else could be done that is different. Your mother has had her debts cleared many times and still she gambles so clearing her gambling debts doesn’t work. She has demanded money and thrown it away feeding her addiction, so giving her cash hasn’t made any difference. Sometimes, when words and actions from loved ones have made no difference, a compulsive gambler has to be allowed to fall.
Entering into prolonged conversations with an active gambler gives them the ability to place blame for their own poor behaviour on everybody else, so I suggest that when your mother makes contact it might be better just to calmly tell her that you will only listen to her when she is ready to be polite and that you will not listen when she is being unpleasant. Maybe you could give her the address of her local gamblers anonymous (GA), or a dedicated addiction counsellor, or give her information about this site. She would be welcomed on our Helpline where she can get one-to-one, non- judgmental, anonymous support.
I hope you will keep posting Anthony; you have been fighting a long battle together with your father and brothers against an implacable addiction. You have told your mother that you will be there for her when she is ready to seek help and for now I cannot think of anything that you could have done better.
Velvet