Thank you all for your good wishes and prayers. I did indeed go to my daughters but stayed for just two days as had to be home for a gp appointment late Thursday afternoon. I haven’t been able
to post because my wi fi went and my son has just identified and sorted the problem, the router. I sleptfor a long time 16 hours at my daughters but enjoyed spending time with her talking about astrology and about how we are both in the Saturn return where life and faith falls apart. We are about to shift out of it having lasted three years on 20th December. My daughter now has a job and vocation to enter Into. I am so pleased for her and said not to end her marriage asit would have such a impact on the kids, particularly the youngest who is mega sensitive. I think she agrees that the job Will help.
Well, on the train on the way and back, I was deeply depressed and couldbarelysuppress the tears. I knew I was moving into suicide territory. I was meant to see my Gp for lung function but the appointment was completely taken over by my mental state. She sAid that it had deteriorated significantly since the prison proceedings and that she was concerned. She has referred me to local psychiatry mental health services and tried to persuade me to take mild antidepressants knowing how sensitive I am to western drugs. I said that it would be dangerous to give me them as I would take the lot so she didn’t. On the way to the docs a Jehovah’s Witness stopped me and took my number. Divine intervention? Maybe but from a jehovahswitnesss? Who I think r nuts?
Thursday evening I had strong urges to end my life. My daughter called me i the middle of these urges and the j witness by text. I had to stop the conversation with the Jehovah’s Witness though as she kept harpingon about Adam and Eveand the devil.
My daughter has texted me every day since then. My biggest issue has been no way out and how cruel the rhetoric of ga about how things will get better in recovery and I am now 4 months in. And things just got worse and worse.
Today however has been a good day. Both my sons took me out for sunday lunch and we had a long chat. We agreed that I can’t commit suicide in December cos of Xmas, January cos it’s my sons birthday and February Cos it is my granddaughters. So I have a window in March only, April and May is my mums and grandsons birthday. It was lovely,spending time with my boys and my eldest Ben said that if they give e a minimal amount to pay per month to avoid prison then he will pay it. Just to keep walking and taking the steps to improve my life. I am able bodied, even if not in mind at the moment. I can walk etc, so there is hope. My mood did improve from this and he gave me A little bit of money to see me through. I now know without doubt ihave the support of my children and that helps me no end.
