Hi Alaska
You finished your first post by asking how others got out of the mess when their sons took them to the limit and beyond.
I was an unwitting participant in my son’s gambling cycle for 23 years Alaska, worried that he wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t have a roof over his head and would never achieve a good future unless I bailed him out. He told me after 23 years that he gambled but he might have well have said he was a brain surgeon because I could no longer trust a word that he uttered. I was an ignorant participant in his gambling cycle. I joined Gam-Anon and gradually began to understand my son’s addiction and to pull back from doing what I thought was ‘the right thing’ for him. Two years later, when all enablement had ceased, he turned his life around and became the man he wanted to be and the son I could enjoy and respect.
I am not for one minute suggesting that you will be waiting over 20 years for your son to wake up because you are seeking support now and you have recognised his problem. In recognising his problem you are able to support him by not enabling his addiction as I did.
There is a strong possibility that any money you send your son for food will be used to gamble because the addiction has the greater appetite. He is not going to starve when he is coming home every other weekend. Sending him cash is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic and I am sure you wouldn’t do that. As I said earlier, a united front with your husband on enablement is really helpful.
The forces can offer a safety net for compulsive gamblers, your son presumably doesn’t pay rent or bills if he is in barracks and this possibly leaves him thinking he has money to play with, money to lose. It is possible that your son’s mates gamble and probably manage to gamble responsibly but your son cannot do this – this can make a young man angry and confused – he doesn’t know why he can’t be like them.
When your son says that his life is shit, does he expand on which areas have disappointed him; does he feel threatened by siblings appearing to manage their lives better than he is doing? Is he unhappy with his choice of career, is he being bullied? Was he happy before he joined up?
In my opinion it is good to let an active gambler know that you are seeking support, that you are taking his growing debts seriously even if he is not. Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-questions from their web site and leave them in his room; it is possible that he thinks he is unique with his problem. If it was me I would also leave times and places for GA meetings and information on this web site. Our Helpline is terrific, one-to-one and private. Offering help by giving him information on GA or this site will hopefully show him that you are behind him.
Maybe you could print off the following links for him to look up in his own time.
https://www.rehab-recovery.co.uk/counselling/armed-forces.html
https://cassioburycourt.com/armed-forces-drug-alcohol-rehabilitation-veterans/
He might screw up any information you give him but he might not – directing him to support is a great way to help him. I eventually told my son about GMA during an incredibly stressful telephone conversation and somehow that chance remark triggered a response in him. I don’t know why on that particular day and at that time particular time I managed to say the right thing and he managed to listen but true recoveries do start somewhere.
Your husband’s struggle is understandable; to a logical mind the lies spun by an active compulsive gambler can be incomprehensible but trying to make sense of the senseless is a waste of energy. Neither of you can save your son, only your son can do that but you can make a difference and I firmly believe that gaining knowledge of the addiction is the best thing you can do.
Keep posting
Velvet