Hi Alaska
Sit tight, the message is tough but I believe you already know that.
Your son’s debt management plan has helped your son cope with his gambling debts so far but it will also have left him believing that what has gone has gone and the slate is clean; now on to the next gamble and the elusive win that will never come.
The addiction to gamble strips away feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence, so your son is lying to you to cover up his feelings of failure; he doesn’t want you to know that he feels worthless – he would probably never admit this even to himself. Asking him about his gambling will only result in lies; telling him that he has to stop gambling will only result in lies – in my opinion, such questions and advice are worthless.
Positive words have more persuasion such as encouraging any successes he has in sport or his profession. Disappointment only serves to convince him that he is right to believe he is useless.
My son told me that the minute I entered the room he was in, his addiction would fire up ready to confuse me. I was an unwitting participant in this behaviour and he knew it, resulting in me asking all the wrong questions and spending far too long doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons.
Experience tells me that compulsive gamblers have more hope of controlling their addiction earlier when there is a united front from a family. I know that the best thing a parent can do is to learn about the addiction to gamble so that pitfalls can be avoided. What are your husband’s thoughts about you sending money? It will be great if you can offer a united front against your son’s addiction without appearing to be against him. Do you have other children and if so are they succeeding in their lives?
Enablement feeds an addiction and keeps it alive and can keep it alive year in and year out until something changes because unless something changes, nothing changes. The problem is, that these are words which are easy to write and often hell on earth to carry out. You have started to make a difference by seeking support for you. Your son does not want to hurt you and the best way to support him is not to allow yourself to become part of the wreckage of his addiction.
In this first full reply to you, I am not going to launch in about enablement because I know you have been reading other posts. For now I would like to ask you to keep posting, hopefully sharing with your husband your findings and to give yourself hope which will reflect in your behaviour when your son comes home.
I really hope you will join me in a group either on a Tuesday or a Thursday between 10pm and 11pm. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is private and safe.
There is so much to say Alaska and I always want to jump to the last page but understanding each chapter is important to getting it right. It took me months to even begin to understand my son’s addiction so please keep posting and together we will hopefully find the right way to support your son.
Velvet