I hope you get into Gordon Moody shortly, its a great place that can really help you to live life without gambling.
I dont suppose there’s someone you trust that can keep hold of your money until you go to GM.
I once spent a couple of months on a psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt, and like you also employed the “if this bet dosn’t win I’ll do myself in” philosophy. Very serious I was too. The reason I’m telling you this is so you know you are not alone in how you feel or behave.
So please dont give up. Even without GM you can get youself sorted, but I must admit that it does give you the best possible chance.
Weekends are tough for lots of gamblers, I appreciate that. Can you not think of anything other than gambling to fill the time. Maybe the baths and then the pictures, better than bookies and casinos.
There are plenty of chatrooms on this site and gamcare and ga over the weekends you will usually find someone around who is experiencing the same as you and usually somebody who has experienced it in the past but dosn’t gamble now or want to.
It might seem to you like you have an impossible task ahead, dont let it overwhelm you. Its not impossible.
Life certainly does appear shit and worthless when you’re gambling I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes you feel shit and worthless too. To come looking for help for your problem shows that you do care about yourself, you are certainly not worthless.
If you have time try and access the live help on here you may well end up speaking to a compulsive gambler that hasn’t gambled for years.
Hope you stick around, and I wish you every success at GM.
Geordie.