Hello Madge
So nice to meet you on your thread. I’m reading your posts and i thought that from all those questions I have passed too like you so many times.
I understand so well Madge that you need (more than everything) your questions to disappear, to find the solution to make the revolution that you need as you wrote. I understand very well what it is like the phrase “and what if I m wasting my time? And what if he will not ever recover? I will be failed because I will have lost my years waiting and trying for his recovery? I want and I need to move on , I know the feeling that I’m in the middle of the river and I need to go to a side that I’m pushing myself to go to a side because it is my character to find solutions on my problems. I know the feeling that when I have a problem I have 2 roads which one I will take? I know that all the problems have 2 solutions black and white, which one is the best? I m thinking and decide every time.
Well Madge in my journey i found out that all the solutions that are needing time to be solved are not a waste of time .I was late for that , I was struggled but I did understand it. The revolution is not black or white.
Ok for me white is that I will stay with you and you will succeed and black is that I’m leaving you I want to move on …I will take a divorce and move on …
In my journey I found out that my biggest mistakes that caused me all the problems from my recovery (not my cg recovery) is that I am impatient. I need the solution now, I need it now but I couldn’t see the solutions because I just wasn’t ready to see it, and that were when I was struggled.
Well maybe I’m wrong but in your post I can feel that you are a little impatient Madge. You need to take a side quickly because you feel that you are exhausted and tired and you need to know to what you will move on … where to give your power …because you are tired now.
The revolution Madge comes from inside you. Is for you .When I realized it that in my journey that was the time when my recovery started for me too.
I know you know it but try to see that with the addiction is not everything black or white. The other color is the grey. Maybe you can be friend with the grey color because is the zone we need before we will be ready to decide. If we are in the grey is bc we are not ready to decide but that makes us impatient and that is tiring. Find your forces..For you… don’t waste your mind for questions that cannot be answered. The recovery is so selfish and I think that maybe you are starting to feel it. Be selfish for you.
So what if my cg will not recover? So what if he starts his recovery but at the end will not succeed? You afraid that your hb will not succeed, so what? It is his life , So what my dear that he is in the same house with you? So what that he leaves with you? So what that he is in another bed? So what that he is trying for his recovery and you see that some things that he is saying you don’t like it? So what Madge?
You think that is a waste of time because you need to move on …
My sweet Madge no one keeps you for not moving on. To move on is something that comes from inside you ….to move on is your own true recovery . Open the door and move on inside you , you will find the key in your pocket just be calm and search and you will find the key.
My dear Madge stop worry about your cg , try to dig inside you for you ,
In my marriage all the first year was like we were separated. So what that we were in the same house, in my mind I was trying to find my power like im divorced, I was selfish for my own recovery and my child ….
You wrote that :
Yes: take care of myself, Yes: take care of my kids, yes: live in the moment……
Madge I know that you are truly understand all the upstairs but I need to ask you that now is the time to feel that, all of them feel the meaning of them inside you..
All the upstairs is the joy is the happy is the meaning of life.. Take care your children and play with them means Madge that you can be full in your heart about this and that you will stop caring about who is in home with you or what if he is going to recover? . Don’t care about things that you don’t know … just care about all the things that making full and nice woman and mother .
Stay in the grey zone Madge as much you need to feel your power. Be a friend with the grey zone.
I know that all this are very difficult steps.. I was very impatient and still am and struggled a lot of times with all that. I was there Madge too.
But one day I said that I’m here for me. Well you are in the same house with me because I need time to find out what I want so I will stay in the grey zone as much I want and do what ever you need with your recovery …and one day just came and we saw that we were in the same path . Be selfish with yourself Madge , be polite with your hb but be selfish for you and your children.
When I felt that playing with my daughter was not the thing that made me happy and full as a person …because my thoughts were in what “if I’m wasting my time with him I became so so so selfish because nothing will take my moments from my child and from my inside. That time I felt that ok we are with a polite behavior in the same house until something happens, don’t care if that was a divorce or not.
He was trying his own recovery and one day the time passed and we saw that we are in the same side …and we felt that maybe now we can start a little of trust and that was when feelings came up.
I’m saying to you Madge that when I was in your position it was very difficult for me and I can feel you but please don’t give up on your dreams …. Leave the moment with your self with your kids with your house and with your work and your finance. Maybe All that are enough for now to make you happy . Be selfish for that …
The day for you and your cg will come , No one knows what the recovery will be …But when the time will come you will be calm and wise that you will know what to choose..your power will grow so much !
Last year were days with no cents in my pocket …and I said to my brother, I cannot go for a walk my baby because I have no cents … and he said to me
The joy and the happiness doesn’t need money … Take your child and go just for a walk and talk for the sky the stars the moon and you will see that you will be so full inside you and so happy with your child with no money at all . He was right .
Yesterday I decide that I don’t have the money to make her a party for her birthday because a new debt came and I decide to pay it , I was stressed a little and sad but I said that I will give her the best moments for her birthday without money and felt ok again and happy.
Im sorry for the length but I hope something will help just for a second.
I really feel you
With all my love for the best
ell