It is hard to rest with so much going on in your life – and in your mind. I just have a couple of responses to what you have written. One is that a lot of aspects of a gambler’s life and character will be extremely difficult to ‘understand’ in a logical way and I wonder if, just for now, you could persuade yourself not even to try to work it all out? I say this for YOU. To give you a break. I know it’s easier to say than to do, but if you can try to tell yourself actively ‘just now I cannot understand all this, so I am going to do something that is practical and helpful for me – or even fun for me’. In other words, concentrate on something completely different and hopefully something more enjoyable. You may not succeed at putting your questions aside for long at a time to begin with, but, with practice, maybe you will find you can manage it more and more.
Before you go to bed, try to do pleasant and relaxing things for you and whatever you know will help you to sleep. If complex issues come to mind, tell them firmly that you will see if there’s anything you can do about them in the morning.
Regarding contact with your husband … separation may be temporary or permanent. At this point, you don’t need to have made that decision. But it could be good for you to have a bit more space at this time. Could you practise not making contact for a while? You know the situation, so you could decide if a day or several days or a week would be a realistic goal and just aim not to reach out to your phone for the period of time you choose. Does that sound like something that you could do? It might just help you to concentrate on the things that you can control and that are about the welfare of you and your children. It might help you see what you can manage and you can see if it makes you feel any more at ease.
Just a couple of thoughts – take what is useful and ignore the rest.
It’s good to see you writing here.
Best wishes,
Monique