I hope you will soon get more replies from others, who can offer their support and friendship as you face your struggles. Everyone is different and, with help, you will find your own ways forward, but there are often experiences and feelings that are common amongst family members and hearing about these can help you feel less alone and encourage you.
It sounds from what you write that you are a strong person, who is already capable of making tough decisions and carrying them through. This does not mean that it will be easy or that you will not have doubts, but you demonstrate inner strength and determination, which are very useful qualities.
If you can now give yourself some further attention, that may be helpful. You have been the caretaker, the fixer as you say – now do take care of yourself, consider your own needs and even ‘wants’ and look after ‘you’. It sounds simple, but you probably know it isn’t at all easy for people who always think of their responsibilities to others first. Of course, you will continue to care for your children as a priority, but they too will benefit from being with a woman who can also consider her own needs. Looking after ‘you’ is also, in the long run, good for your partner, although he may not think that right now. It may help him ‘see’ himself more clearly if you are not actively trying to ‘fix’ things. He may be very unhappy but not yet aware fully of what he needs to do for himself. He will benefit from your love and support, but you need time to work out what that is in your context – it is not about protecting him from his own responsibilities, but supporting him to make the right decisions to seek recovery, for example. And maybe it is standing back, if he is not ready to move towards seeking recovery. That can be hard and leave you feeling conflicted etc. Though it looks like you have started doing this.
Do continue to write here and also join the live support groups, if you can, and I hope discussions with others will help you.
Best wishes,
Monique