Haven’t written in a while, though I seem to be compuslsivelt checking the blogs. Now that I have stopped playing poker (and I think about how much time I spent playing) I think I am replacing that with the blogs. My wife thinks this is another compulsion. Maybe. Maybe I am just compulsive, and that is something I need to look at all aspects of my life.
I found myself thinking of playing today, and I found that my was trying to convince me that poker is not gambling. It is a game of skill, my brain was saying, with an element of chance. But mainly its odds, mathametics etc. But what is odds but gambling?
I think one of the reasons it took me so long to realise I WAS a CG is that in my mind gambling is the dogs, horses, sports betting etc. Not poker. But the truth is the game is like crack cocaine in my mind. As soon as I start playing, no matter my intentions to play when my initial stake is gone/ double my money/ the allotted time spent, after 10 mins all those ideas go out of the window. Just one more hand just one more all in to double up, just 5 more mins. There were time I would play for 2 hours saying these things, all the while getting desperate, or as Jansdad says, steaming. Making worse and worse decisions – calling 3 times the pot with 57o hoping foe a lucky flop knowing that would never happen.
I think I know the true extent now of the business issues, and that has more to do with the depression and not working focused last year, letting things slide. The gambling papered over cracks in my psyche. My wife thnks I might have had undiagnosed depression since my teens, but because I am stoical and quite a loner I never realised. It is only now as things reach a point that things in my life are getting clearer.
I think it’s time to start putting my dream to one side while I focus on something more realistic. My recovery and development in all aspects of my life. I am scared of the unknown. And while I have been in bigger financial holes I had the strength to get by. I somehow managed to keep things going with a positive outlook. That is now lacking. I am mega aware of so many things it is almost impossible to be positive.
So, it’s almost 2 weeks since my last relapse was discovered. I have had time to anylse what happened. I thought I was onot a fantastic thing and if I wasn’t a CG I would have been. But, as they say, once I start I just cannot stop until I am trying to have a quick hand here and there KNOWING that to play poker well you need time to handle the fluctuations of the cards. That is what ismeant by a game of skill. Has what I have worth the size of the bet that someone else put in etc etc etc. I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I want to think about getting better.
Welcome to all the new members, I read your stories and learn so much. I apply your words to my life, and use them as analogies for my life. I thank and love you all for sharing.
Keep up the good work, I will keep posting but hopefully less often. I am going to control how often I come here, timetabled, so I can focus on other aspects of my life.
love to all
M