Happy New Year Monica!! Today is officially another day 1. I feel ok. Things could be much worse…. I do feel a little stupid for falling into the same cycle, “sticking my toe in the water” buying scratch offs, loosing than telling myself “as soon as I get my money back I will quit” than wasting time chasing my money only to win that and than some just to end up worse off. I tell myself “no more” than I tell myself “just go play cards and get your money back (of course I want 1800.00 not my original 1200- 1300 that I lost. (Not sure of the exact amount) Than I think to myself “oh please you dumb a..s. you will never get it back and if you do than what??” I would tell any other compulsive gambler “just stop!” I have to somehow just let it go and pick up where I left off before the relapse and carry on. I know I have to do something different so this does not keep happening. I just do not know what…. I need my brain re-wired. I have to learn to hate gambling. It’s obviously my poison so why can’t I avoid it at all costs. Why can’t I put the energy into my recovery. Even as I write this post I think “ who am I kidding I will never be able to live a gf life” my head…get your money back, let it go, get your money back, let it go, get your money back let it go” When in reality I should think “suffer more, don’t suffer anymore, suffer more, don’t suffer anymore”. One last thing…. I am totally embarrassed that I dumped so much in one dumb ass bar machine. I have not played those stupid things in years. I had to look like a complete idiot feeding one all day and night. (That was Friday , yesterday I went to collect some of my money and only played a little back and finally got the sense to give up) Of course I think I should of went to a casino and played cards better odds…. it does not matter what the odds are they are ALWAYS stacked against a compulsive gambler….. so dang tired. I just want to be normal.
