From my experience, I found that as soon as I placed the first bet that was an entry card back into the madness that is online gambling. I often found myself walking away after some minutes gambling but would surely go back to deposit again to wager very large amounts of money on the slots, be it a day later, two days later or at times a week or so later. I would surely go back to try my luck at winning money and it always ended the same way. I would lose a lot of money but most importantly my peace of mind (which is of more value to me ) It always started the same for me and ended the same also. Down a few thousand within half an hour and then me beating myself about what I had done. Asking myself why I had not learned my lesson and feel all the guilt and shame which were amplified by the gambling. The pain and confusion is still fresh in my mind.
I joined the zoom meetings in mid July this year and on the very first day I found myself going from one meeting to another. I stayed in even upto 3am the next day. I only received love and understanding. I will always remember that. I just couldnt believe that I had found a place (thanks to my HP) where I could let everything that was in me out. A place where I did not have to feel guilt or shame, a place where I could speak my truth and be honest about my addiction.
I attend at least 3 meetings a day (thats for me as I need it) because I have gotten to know some of the people in the meetings who are giving me a lot of strength and hope. I am on Maternity leave and have the time fortunately. It was on my last maternity leave that my addiction to gambling took off and thrived. What is important for me in relation to the zooms is that I am giving my recovery time, time I previously dedicated to gambling. I am ready and willing to work on myself now and show myself love and care (through recovery)
I just got a sponsor and I am so happy as I followed and listened to them for some months. I the approached and asked them. I identified with their experiences, childhood experiences also and was attracted to their inner serenity and general love and care towards others. My sponsor has been off a bet for 23 years on December 15th 2020.
I call my sponsor when Im in the wrong headspace, feeling resentments or just have dis- ease within. My sponsor asks me questions and gets me to explore where it is all coming from. I managed to stop controlling what is not controllable at those moments with their help. Its when I do not surrender to life on lifes terms and my HP that I place the bet and that is destructive to me and my loved ones.
With regards to the steps, I am ready as Ive accepted to be willing and open minded about my recovery. So long as no one asks me to gamble then I am willing to do anything required to help me stay away from addictive behaviours. Fear will hold me back and I have nothing to fear as long as it doesnt involve destructive behaviours like gambling. I said to myself I have nothing to lose other than the dis-ease within me which leads me to gambling.
To conclude, Ive come to realise that gambling is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Just for today I will not gamble thanks to my god. I am a grateful compulsive gambler. I am powerless over gambling and I take my addiction very seriously now.