Firstly thank you for the reply’s – believe me or not it means much.!!!
I dont know where to start , but I will try, no need to read this as it could be long. But I suppose or am hoping it helps me somewhat. I do not know ?
My gambling has reached pandemic proportions again. I got through the week, paid the rent, paid one or 2 bills. Was finally get ahead (for the 1005th time )
BOOM – Email lands in my inbox – “your account is re-open” …. here is a bonus of xxx
Because im weak – because im arrogant and think I can beat it I decide on “just one bet” its okay its only £50 its been a good day working. I can earn fast – and sometimes I can earn pretty well …. but easy in …. very easy out …
Deposit – play – loose
rinse and repeat –
do it again , hands sweating , heart beat increasing, frustration. It was enjoyable for the first 20 mins, its turning dark now in my mind. I need to pee but dont want to leave my computer screen, something might hit and I might miss it.
Gamble more. Damn so many near misses. Deposit again, check bank account, its okay if i win xxx im ahead or at least even.
Rinse and repeat. Nothing lands. Its getting dark outside, 5 hours have gone or is it 6 ? i have no idea it does not matter …by its already close to 5pm. One more deposit …. card declined ……..cant be ? surely
check bank … horror 4.57p credit ………………………
Check another account …. YES £100 quid …. transfer it over. 2 Mins later deposit – play – loose. Now angry – numb cant really believe it.
Open up my work, make £130 it happens like that sometimes … but not always. Honest money earned. I think 1 more deposit – then im done. The next £50 goes in under 7 minutes. Deposit again rinse and repeat.
All accounts now at zero. Im numb so numb heading banging
I worked hard for that money all week – now I have zero.
I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see an ugly fat fucking failure staring back at me.
its 10pm , I know I wont sleep, I know I will have to work all the hours and more to try stop the shiit storm I created. So numb ,headache – dehydration, I remember have not eaten all day!! Phone on facebook rings.
Its my son, he lives abroad, he has no food, can he order a pizza and use my card, He has fallen out with his mum (she is an alcoholic ) somehow he orders a pizza no idea how. I felt terrible useless…. i am supposed to support him.
Next 2 hours trying to calm things from afar between him and his mother. Promises of money on his card tomorrow so he can shop for food. It will be a long night I hope i really hope i get some business in so i can provide my son some food.
Start to self exclude , my headache wont go away, it does not feel real. I drink a coffee i eat a mouthful of rotten food from yesterday. I feel sick. But need to work.
4 casinos self excluded for life many more to go. its not enough …. hate myself even more ……….
12.00am I have been up since 8am – gambled at least 8 of those hours. Sick feeling refuses to go away
come here write this down and wonder … where the fukkk do i go from here ?
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