Feeling very low today. I didn’t get the proposal done that I needed to, and it if wasn’t for my amazing wife the business would be in an even worse state than it is. I just cannot cope, and it is not the gambling. I cannot blame the gambling. I am just very low, I hate myself for the life I have created.
I know that I could turn things around, but I just don’t have the energy. Because I run my own business (business, ha. Businesses make money) I can’t take time off work.
ALl I want to do is play poker and forget. Lose everyhing, throw everything away. Just destroy my life. I had lots of dream, nightmares. My wife told me. I don’t remember them. I remember one dream about my childhood when everything seemed amazing – but here I am, 42 years old without a future.
NO money, no house, a wife who is sick of me (and I don’t blame her) and I just can’t get the energy to turn it around. I know I could if I had the energy, the happiness, the stamina.
I am so close to tears it is shocking – I am letting everyone down.
I so wanted to gamble yesterday but I didn’t. It is almost a week now since my last relapse was discovered. I didn’t even lose lots of money, but I lost time and self respect. I know I need to get my self respect back.
It’s a beatyful morning here, I know what I have to do. But I just don’t feel it – I just want to hide and run away, but I can’t do that. Too many people depend on me. Christ I feel the prsssure.
Is what I am feeling because of the anti-depressents? What would I feel like iwthout them? How do I know if they are working? Is my gambling and the depression linked, or are they separate? Why can’t I be normal? WHy does it look like I don’t want to sort myself out when I do? How can I skip this painful stage and move straiught onto be happy and having a hgood life again. I am so afriad.
I am afraid of what has happened, what is happeneing and what is going to happen. My fears feel so real, but are they?
I am sorry to write such a depressing post, but I have to get it out. I know noone out there has any answers as no one knows me, but I am hyperventilating. The addict part of my brain says “poker will cheer you up” but it won’t as I won’t play well. I’ll only be playing to feed some stupid addiction, using it as a drug as a drug addict takes drgs to stave off withdrawel. But this isn’t withdrawel, it’s depression. And a depression I must get out of.
Today, I have to: FInish the porposa, finish Rinkoo’s film, got to GamCare for my appointment, organise catering for the cast and crew screening and start working on the industry screening. I also have to do the company VAT accounts (should have been done last week or 2 weeks ago at the start of Feb but I was gambling) and so many other things I do not know where to start.
I just want to feel so sorry for myself, but that is no answer either. It is boring for me and everyone around me. I am a man of 42 years old who feels like a lost 8 year old who doesn’t know how the world works, with no sense of responsability. BUt I have responasbilities, but I am not taking tjem seriously.
Please help me God, as I understand you, just get through this day and make use of this day so that at the end of the day I can feel proud. I know I cannot fix my life in one day.
Just for today I will not try and fix my life in one go.
Just for today I will not critisize, I will look at what is good in the world and enjoy what is beautiful.
Just for today I will not gamble.
Just for today, I will try and find a quiet half hour by myself to think, to quieten my mind.
Just for today I will not think of ending it all.
Love you all
Mav