Hi Seri.
Like you I’ve been to prison because of the thieving I done to feed my gambling addiction, in fact I used to have a season ticket for court I was there that often.
At first my crimes were what most people would call “petty” but like the gambling itself, my criminal activities were progressive. I had been to prison 4 times by the time I was 24 and never went back again for 17 years. I stole, robbed, and deceived many people when I was a gambler.
I found one of the hardest things to come to terms with when seriously trying to quit was the guilt about the things I had done, and the lengths I had gone to just to fulfil my “need” to gamble. Many times I would go back to gambling to get away from those guilty feelings. Then I would feel more guilt for going back to gamble to escape. I found that counselling did help me come to terms with the guilt in some ways.
I don’t steal now, I don’t tell lies and above all else I don’t gamble. Do I feel guilty? Well to some extent I think I do, but that guilt dosn’t weigh me down the way that it used to, it dosn’t make me depressed and I dont dwell on it. I (we) can’t change the past I have had to learn how to accept things, I accept I was a lying deceitful criminal, I accept that I was hopelessly addicted to gambling and I accept that that is all in my past.
It does take a lot of hard work to change the way your mind works, but that is what I’ve had to do. For me it wasn’t just the giving up gambling, I found that far too difficult, but I realised that I had to change my whole way of life by doing that I found the desire to gamble slowly disappear.
I used to be quite an avid poster on this forum and like many have had my fair share of gambling relapses along the way, I know how difficult it can be. But really it dosn’t have to be too difficult. I think a big flaw that many of us have is ignoring or just dismissing the advice that people give us.
You most certainly are not alone and you can beat this but in order to do so you really must be committed to life without gambling, it is a huge commitment however if you can get through just one day without it then there’s no reason you cant get through the next.
As others have said it is your journal and up to you what you write about, on my first thread here I wrote about what had taken me back to prison on an 18 month sentence after 17 years a “free” man. I found it did help to get that out. In subsequent posts I wrote about the guilt.
I wish you all the best as you start your journey of recovery and hope that you do take some of the advice you will be offered along the way. Self-excluding and and blocking software if you gamble online, for instance.
Its a big step posting on here for the first time, but it can be a big step in right direction. Well done on finding GT.
And All the best!!
Geordie.