Thank you for the response. It’s not fun. I am completely and that ally out of control. When I borrow money or take my paycheck into a casino I really believe, despite knowing better, that I am good my to climb out of this whole I’m in. I know for sure that I know God and He knows me. That‘s why I hate myself the most. It’s obviously some evil in me that makes me continue to do these things. God can do anything, but I can’t seem to get anything right. I was a passionate pastor and I would constantly repent only to fall again. I told my congregations for ten years that I was a sinner and that I made mistakes all the time. I prayed and asked God to take my life if I was going to continue to do things that were not pleasing to him. I begged God to take away my free will and keep me from doing these things. When I was put on medication and it took away my desire to gamble I went back to the counselor I was visiting and asked why the medicine was able to do something that God would not do no matter how many times I asked. For those who don’t believe in God the answer would be simple; there is no God. But, God is as real to me as anyone. He became a part of my life twenty years ago. I know there’s a spiritual answer. Maybe the truth is I don‘t want to stop. But how can that be when I hate myself so much. Life can seem so dull and routine. Maybe I’m afraid of a spiritual answer because then people will start to look to me again and I’ve never felt worthy of people looking to me. The standard is so high and I can’t keep it. I confess that I’m a sinner. I have no hood apart from God’s Grace and mercy. I deserve His wrath. My wife has emotional problems and I can’t see confessing to her while we’re in such a terrible financial situation that‘s all my fault. I don’t want to see her go through that kind of pain. Once in ten years she did catch me. But she thought I was cheating on her, so I confessed that I had gone gambling and lost my paycheck because I was upset about our bills and trying to get ahead. She just doesn’t know that our bills are all my fault. All because of my gambling. When given the choice between hurting her that way or just trying to win it all back I just want that one big win that will make everything okay. But, I know I have to stop thinking this way. After posting this last night I considered finding a job at home no matter how little it paid so I can be with my family. My wife and kids miss me so much and all I’m doing is giving away our money out here. Your response means a lot it’s given me another reason to write and to think. I do believe God can help me. All things in His time and I‘ve got to choose whether I will love Him and hate gambling or hate Him and love gambling. Thank you.
