Thank you for your kind words. I can only write this post and say the things I have without shame because of my ex partner. He kept my secrets and supported me both as a friend and a partner for the last 18 years. He helped me understand I didnt ask for the life I was dealt any more than he asked for the life he was dealt as you also pointed out V.
My post is not there sound like I am a victim or oh poor me. I could of equally of written that I have travelled the world, met many interesting people had two beautiful sons and many adventures and that would also be true. I don’t feel sorry for myself and neither do I feel ashamed or care what others may think about my experiences. I just wanted to point out that we all have issues. Had I been born with the gene for addictive tendancies I may of well being posting on the gambling forum instead of here.
I think some partners of Cg’s are possibly attracted to them because of their own experiences of life, they know what it is to suffer and may have a more open minded approach to their difficulties. Of course this isnt always the case after all we don’t chose who we fall in love with but every does have their issues and it is as important that we work on ours as they do on theirs to find happiness and fufilment in ourselves first and formost. No one can make us feel loved if we don’t love ourselves, no one can make us feel secure if we are not secure in ourselves and you need to be able to understand and rely on your own emotions before you can be reliable to someone else.
We all have blips where we are not quite ourselves, problems arise when both parties have unresolved issues that trigger off each other. Expecting one other person to fufil all of your emotional needs is unrealistic and wrong which is why it is important to work on yourself and learn to cope with what life throws at you.
I don’t think however that a persons experiences are what define them and that is why I dislike the term ‘my cg’ although I use it sometimes and did in this case as I couldn’t quite bring myself to write my ex partner at the time. Many addicts as I am sure you are aware IDI also have had difficult lives and have used gambling as a way to escape the feelings they bring up. Of course it creates more problems than it solves and then they have the triple whammy of dealing with the addiction, dealing with what caused the addiction and dealing with all the things that they may of done while addicted. It is not easy and I have total admiration for all who even try to deal with this and make themselves a better life.
Everyone of course deserves to be loved, nutured and treated with respect. I don’t deserve it more because I have had a bad time and I know it starts with me. I have to learn to love and respect myself more fully if I want to have a sucessful and healthy relationship with anyone. I am getting there but I have a lot to learn, my ex partner has a lot to learn too but that does not make him or me a bad person.
I don’t blame myself or even my ex partner for the relationship ending, the timing was just wrong, neither of us was as strong in our recoveries as we believed when we first got back together. There is so much more to gambling addiction than simply abstaining from gambling and just as there is so much more to getting over a traumatic childhood than just growing up.
My ex partner is not a bad person, in fact at heart he is a good person, a kind person and an (emotionally) honest person. He has given me some great advice over the years in his often brutal northern way and he gives it because he wants to help, because he cares and doesn’t want people to suffer as he has. Yes he likes to have the last word but don’t we all? Lily x