Dear Lorraine
I can hear in your words so much anger and I can see why you feel it but you are dealing with professionals who are not emotionally involved – they are reacting solely to what they see as black and white facts and they have no room for grey areas.
Have you got anybody to come to the meeting with you who understands your position, someone who is not emotionally involved and who can put your case clearly and clinically? Hate gets in the way of clear thinking Lorraine and makes it easier to lose sight of the goal – it would be better, I think, for you to have someone on your side that is not weighed down. Allow a friend or family member, perhaps someone from GA, to take your burden and guide your feet.
It will be impossible I think for you to deal with these professionals in a clinical way – you are confused frightened and struggling with guilt – such feelings are so hard to contain and they often lead to loss of purpose, making it easier for the people who are in control of their emotions to tie you up in knots. This is not in any way judgemental Lorraine of you, or them. I believe we all struggle to maintain logicality when things matter as much to us as your husband’s health matters to you.
You are not gambling, you have controlled your addiction and there is no need to keep looking back at what you believe is the root cause – there is time for that later, (if you still want to do so) but not when you are fighting this battle.
Why are you so sure that your depression will sabotage your enjoyment with your new GA.? It is my belief we can think our way into sabotaging ourselves but you do have a choice Lorraine – there is no way on earth that you have to sabotage yourself
I am overturning the verdict you have given yourself – you are not guilty. Keep posting, the brightness can come back.
Velvet
