Dear Anni
I am wondering if you are worrying that the future for your son will be bleaker than his siblings and peers. Basing my opinion on CGs I have actually seen taking control of their lives many take exceptional paths possibly/probably as a result of owning this addiction.
I apologise if the following sentence sounds judgemental – I just know how I was. I would imagine that before your son went into GMA you felt as though you were constantly pleading with him to change his life, checking on his behaviour, questioning his lies, crying, shouting, threatening, anything and everything to make him listen. When he went through rehab and determined to change his life he couldn’t know that you would not have those same questions and thoughts still in your head even if you were not voicing them, he couldn’t know when they might erupt again. Families do not necessarily have the right counselling when their loved ones are away but hopefully during the absence they will have looked after themselves and gained strength from not having the addiction in the home – undoubtedly they will therefore, in my view, have changed too. Trust is two-way and it takes a long, long time for everybody to find their way forward with new criteria.
Reunited again with the loved one and praying that things have changed (but not knowing if they really have) the family treads warily. How do I behave? Can I trust; do I forgive; do I encourage; do I praise effort? Do I mention x y z? Do I speak if I feel worried again? What if…….?
Your son is doing something today that suggests he is in possession of his tools – returning to base means, I believe, that he knows where to go when his recovery is wavering. It doesn’t mean he didn’t find support away from the rehab, it suggests he recognised that he was still in need of support of a different kind – and that is healthy and good.
When I first posted on this site only F&F living with an active addiction were considered in need of support. What came after the CG had determined to live gamble-free was not considered important for F&F – after all what more support could ‘they’ possibly want? I believe that this is probably the most worrying time – the pressure of getting it right can be overwhelming. So please keep talking Anni, it is a long, slow process and there will be ups and downs for a long time. Slips are not compulsory but it would be naïve to suggest they do not occur for many, however, they need not necessarily be negative, they are often a wake-up call that strengthens resolve.
You did use the group correctly but please never worry about hogging the floor – it is my job to ensure that everybody gets their support and I usually ‘know’ everybody from previous groups and shared posts on the forum.
To answer your question – yes my son has definitely found purpose and happiness and I am happy to tell you I personally know many others who have done so too.
Velvet
