It’s interesting to see how “clear” things get the day after a binge ends.
A week ago – I was in a trance. On Thursday evening (12/20), I lost $1500 after making a poor decision to stay and gamble despite being up $900 at one point in the session. The other guy I was playing blackjack with was a carbon copy of me, only much older and with seeming better restraint. When he left the table, I should’ve as well, but I stayed and lost the $900 + the $1500 I came in the door with. I attempted to call my bank to increase my withdrawal limit and they told me that was not possible even though I clearly had the funds. My night was over even though I was very much on tilt. The following Friday, I was working from home, and when it became mid-afternoon, the itch came back in full force. I immediately drove to the bank, withdrew $3000 from the teller inside and went back to the casino. This time, I played blackjack with a younger guy and while I only played with $1k, I managed to win $3k in total. It was then I decided to cash out — I somehow got up $1500 for the year. Just in time for Christmas. Amazing. I deposited most of the money but felt great having $400+ in my wallet for whatever I wanted.
Fast forward to this past Friday, and the itch was back. It was clearly there all week since I was reading up on positive/negative variance and about other people’s blackjack stories, but I managed to fend off the itch due to the holidays and work. My mom being in town also helped curb my desire to gamble, but the moment I dropped her off at the airport, the itch became more prominent. That Friday, I decided to play a little less aggressive and only went to the casino with $1400. I actually got up $450 at one point and remember making two more $50/bets and saying to myself “If I win this, I’m out”. I lost. And then I lost again. And then the rollercoaster started and after no time, I lost it all. I went back to the ATM and was able to take out $500 more and ended up losing it. At that point is when the addict in me truly came out. I pulled out every credit card on me and attempted to get a cash advance. Despite having zero debt, my cards were rejected. I then asked the casino what their check cashing policy was and after hearing they take personal checks, I went home and picked up a check and came back. As the check cashing process began, I was informed they’d only allow a $300 cash since this was my first time. The addict in me calculated the odds of turning that into anything substantial and decided to refrain. I then drove throughout the area to see if any banks were open to cash this check but to no avail. I then decided to go home and simply get drunk by myself.
On Saturday (yesterday), I woke up partially drunk yet still in the trance. I was clearly on tilt from the previous night’s loss but had the initial job of getting rid of my headache. I took a couple advils and went back to bed. As I fell back asleep, I prayed that “someone” will tell me whether I should go back to the casino or not. An hour and a half later, I was driving to the bank. I walked in and withdrew $3000 again (from the same teller as the week before). I felt some sort of judgement coming from her knowing glare, but I didn’t care. I was about to go gamble so I had more important things to worry about. When I arrived at the casino, I went back to my area and started playing Blackjack again. First, one $100 hand, but ultimately, splitting to two. I lost $1200 immediately, so I then decided to go balls to the wall and play two $200 hands. Suddenly, I was up $900 for the day. The asian women to my left was saying “wow, you won all your money back” to which I responded, “yeah, for today, but now I’m chasing yesterday”. The guy to my right, who was the lucky cutter the past couple shoes then complained that he was doing terrible to which I responded “yeah, it happens”. He eventually lost it all. Suddenly, I started losing and after one bad shoe, I was down to even for the day. After another bad shoe, I was now -1500 and then after the 3rd and final bad shoe, I lost it all. The funny thing is that when I had $800 left and decided to place two $400 bets. I got dealt a 19 and 20 and the dealer had a small up card showing. The dealer drew a 5 card blackjack. I walked out a loser, as always.
As I look back on these past couple days (and really, month) of gambling, I gambled a total of 9 different times. I won money during Sessions 1-5, lost on 6, won on 7, and then lost on 8 and 9. The clear headed person typing now questions why I didn’t stop after 7 — after all, in the diary I was keeping I clearly was telling myself to stop given that I know what happens if I continue. Yet for some reason, my will power and self control did not stop me and the boomerang affect occurred, yet again. $5k of losses in a 24 hour period.
When I think about all the addictions I’ve had throughout my life and how I’ve been able to quit them, I realize that I’ve simply went from being a jack of all addictions to a specialist. Yes, I was once a terrible chain smoker, but managed to quit. Yes, I was once a major pothead, but managed to quit. Yes, I was a functional alcoholic but managed to cut back significantly. I ask myself daily why I can’t simply quit drinking and gambling altogether the same way I’ve quit these other two habits? The answer I keep telling myself is that I don’t have to because I’m only harming myself given I’m unmarried and without kids….so, who cares?
I should.
The scary thing is that earlier this year, the mix of drinking and gambling almost got me into deep trouble. After driving drunk to the casino and losing, there were two separate occasions where a cop was behind me while leaving the casino or on the way back home. Each time, they turned on their lights and pulled someone else over. Those nights could’ve been far worse considering the DUI laws in my state. As well, since I already have one on record, I’m sure the judge would’ve thrown the book at me.
Yes, I’m an unlucky, compulsive gambler, but in many ways, I feel lucky that I didn’t get pinched. I digress.
Today, my focus is clear, but I feel like i have a major mountain to scale. I’ve watched many documentaries on the people who choose to climb Mt. Everest, and I feel like I’m doing the same thing, except rather than the deathzone being at the top, I’m in the midst of it at the bottom. One step at a time, I know. But my primary concern is that I will always justify why I should go back in a few months. Especially since I’ll have my annual bonus and tax return to spend in March 2019. I truly hope that when that time comes, I find the will power and self control to say no. After all, if I don’t go to the casino, the cycle never starts which means that as long as I don’t place a single bet, my money should be safe.
Hears hoping for a gambling free 2019.