More of a nightmare. I dreamt that I was playing online blackjack and sports betting at the same time, completely disregarding my family and not being attentive. The dream felt so real. In the dream, I was winning large sums of money but I had some technical difficulty with the software and I was desperately trying everything in order to fix it so that I can get my fix on. I woke up extremely tired, but glad that my dream was just a dream.
This brings up an interesting point. I love the person who I am after a huge loss. Humble, compassionate, self-reflective. I’d feel real with none of the irritable and agitated behavior as if I’m free. Look back at my posts, I miss that feeling. There was a lot of shame, regret and guilt as well, but as those feelings left, the positive feelings are gone as well. Now, I feel like I’m back in the rat race of ramping up the irritability and coldness until the point where I can’t handle it anymore, and need to gamble in order to release it.
I just want to maintain the sweet, compassionate and warm me without having to go through hell to get there. One day at a time. I have to be mindful of my thoughts and feelings.