The number of Blackjack ahaha.
nLately I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. But in my opinion in a bad way. I feel so bad in the present that I think I’ll only be happy when some stuff happens in the future. But I’ve been thinking this way since a few years.. Like “I’ll be happy when I start my new job and meet amazing new people from work” (because I had to wait a few months since I applied till I started). Well, starting the job didn’t erase my mental issues, obviously.
nNow I’m thinking that when my driving license is ready it will be awesome (in my country this kind of stuff takes a lot of time – I passed the exam in june!!), or that when I get a salary raise in about one year I’ll have money to live decently – because currently I’m just training and so salary is low and the increase will be substantial.
nAnyway, my point is that none of these future “achievements” will deeply change my happiness and the way I look at life. It may make things a bit easier, but whatever I can do to recover from the addiction and depression, I can at least start doing now. I just have to figure out what that is.
nFriday is normally a very sad day for me. I look at everyone’s social media and their perfect nights out, friends, happiness and it makes me sad. Sometimes I think it must have been my fault not to have a “normal” life. What have I done wrong? I just hope I’ll not turn out someone who just lives to work, but right now I prefer to be at work, at least I’m busy and I’m with people I like.
nNext week I’ll start working after vacations. Moving to the city again will be dangerous, with all these places that sell scratch cards in every corner. I have some barriers in place, but when the devil inside takes over it’s difficult not to buy “just one” 1 scratch card. This time it will be for real! 21 days is something I can’t throw away. And gambling 1 would be throwing away all this effort. I know now that there’s no responsible or controlled gambling for us addicts. It’s either not gambling or disaster (sooner or later).
nLately I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music and I found that even listening to music I’m an addict. I’ve been listening to Dvorak’s and Elgar’s Cello Concertos like 10 times a day (and it’s 30 minutes each, although sometimes I just listen to the parts I like the most). I start thinking that yes, addictive personality exists. Well, this was just a side note on something I find curious.
nHave a wonderful weekend, those of you who enjoy weekends. Right now, Monday is my favorite day.
