I am glad to say I have made it 10 days since my last relapse. I also am very happy that I am now starting to feel less anxious and more clear headed. I had one of the best work weeks I’ve had in the last two years. I accomplished all of my goals, and my boss was very happy with my work.
Giving up so many things all at once is something I thought I could never do. So far I have done it. I feel more relaxed and able to take things as they come, rather than feeling the urge to drink, smoke weed or gamble. I am starting to learn that these vices that I used to ease the pain were very ironically causing a lot of pain, to me and my loved ones. Now that I realize that, it is becoming much easier to leave them behind.
I used to have a very consistent pattern, when coming home from work, light the bong, inhale the smoke, and feel the false sense of relaxation hit me. The aaahhhh moment. Open a beer, and feel another sense of false relaxation. Repeat several times until bed time, at which time my brain was so muddled I usually didn’t get much productive sleep.
On the gambling front, for me it is all about escapism. Since my wife and two teenagers know (all too well) that I am a gambling addict, it is a waiting game until everyone is away doing other things, then off to the casino I would run. Timing was critical to avoid getting caught. A lot of pressure to avoid having to lie, if I could just do my gambling and get home before anyone could question me on it.
In the past, I would just tell my wife I was going out for a drink, which of course was a half truth because yes I was drinking all right, however I conveniently forgot to tell her I was drinking with a blackjack hand and some chips in front of me.
I remember vividly one night when we had a family argument, and I headed out the door to go gamble. My wife and kids physically attempted to restrain me, and begged me to stay. I left anyway, with them crying and hoping I could find it in me to stay. What a graphic reminder of how easy it is for a compulsive gambler like myself to callously disregard the three people I love the most in this world. What a shit I feel like for doing such a despicable thing. It is good for me to recall those awful, embarrassing moments of my gambling addiction. Then of course later I would feel huge guilt and remorse, and complete confusion over what a monster I had become. I thought of myself as an honest, loving husband and father, but in the death grip of CG, I was neither.
Anyway, off to bed and soon to start day 11, feeling calmer, and feeling very grateful that I am on the road to recovery! Today I choose not to gamble.