My sister came over yesterday and we spoke about my most recent gambling stint where I lost my partners money, she said it was really important that I get counselling as there are some root issues that need addressing as well as joining a 12 step program which she wants to be part of, as she wants to be my support person. I am not sure how I feel about her being my support person, as it is really hard being vulnerable with her and she mentioned that my partner (ex) mentioned he wanted to be part of it as well (which gives me some hope that he still wants to be in my life). I told her that both are great ideas and one step at a time. I need to find a counsellor/psychologist and a 12 step program. I think right now doing a 12 step program out ranks and then with some time on side I can find a counsellor that works for me.
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nIt was hard to share things with her but I figured that right now I have nothing to lose, since I lost everything anyway.
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nMy partner (ex) has decided to talk things out next week as he didn’t actually hear exactly what happened as he was too busy yelling and kicking me out and we will have a mediator so it will be a safe place. It really is hard for me to open up and vulnerability sometimes stops me from being honest but I know in order to be genuine to others and genuine to my journey, that I have no choice.
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nRight now I am aware that the main focus is on my recovery but I can’t help but to have a little hope that my partner might want to get back with me in time and as I build trust up and as my actions speak loud. Most of our communication has been done through my sister which has allowed both of us to have a break and get some clear head space from the time spent apart.
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nMy emotions are still a little all over the place and I am still numb with regret for everything I did and I feel like life will never be the same again, maybe this new normal will be better for us all, I have to believe that things will get better.
