Day #0 again.
Here’s how it happened. I’m in Lviv Ukraine, I love it here and I come here often. They have this club here which is an excellent restaurant a striptease joint and a poker club all on the same floor. I used to play and lose here whenever I came, but I loved the atmosphere and camaraderie.
Back in December the government shot down all poker clubs (they shot down all casinos about 10 years ago, but poker clubs were allowed till last december) and I found a new pastime – I started going to the gym here where they all have excellent masseuses.
Anyway, last thursday I was having dinner at the club and I saw one of the pitbosses I knew from before. She confirmed what I had already heard – that they’re running a game on the quiet and invited me to play. I declined, but said might come on Saturday. Yesterday I was having dinner there again and decided to play a little. It’s a relatively small game about $0.25 – $0.25 PLO and NLH. I decided not to view it as gambling, but as pastime and chance to hook up with people I knew and enjoyed their company.
I intentionally only took about $200 with me. I was very clear with myself, I wasn’t gonna steam, make bad decisions and win, lose or draw I was gonna go home after 2 hours. I wasn’t gonna report this to the group as I didn’t consider it to be gambling as long as I wasn’t steaming and making bad decisions. I considered it a pastime and if I lost a hundred of two so be it.
As it usually happens in the game of poker I took a couple of bad beats and was down maybe $50. Nothing to worry about. But what did worry me is that I noticed adrenaline rushing to my head and I started playing more and more hands, making irrational decisions. Instead of stopping and leaving right then and there I proceeded to lose the rest of the money playing badly. So I was down $200. Then I remembered that I had 100 euros stashed in my laptop sleeve which I was carrying with me to do some work. I lost that too and left.
On the way home I contemplated should I report this to do group (that is to say to you guys). Had I not started steaming there would be nothing to report and I wouldn’t have considered it gambling. But I did start steaming fairly quickly and I did feel the adrenaline rush and I did make stupid decisions and I was having the worst of it and therefore I was gambling and I decided to report it.
Then, still in a cab, I thought, well since I’m now officially back to day #0 anyway, why don’t I try and win it back? And I asked myself do I really need $300? No! But I did want to gamble.
I texted a friend and asked him to let me play on his account. Unfortunately he had just won and had about $2500 in the account. All I wanted to do is win back the $300 maybe a little more and call it a night. Well, I lost the $2500 in less than an hour.
Then I remembered the Poker Stars account in my wife’s name that I blocked over 6 months ago should be playable now (they only let you block it for up to 6 months). I emailed them and they unblocked it within half hour. All my credit cards are tapped out, but they do let you deposit money using your cell phone and I deposited the daily max which is about 100 euros or $110.
I built that $100 to $1300 playing first 0.50-1 and then 2-4 HU PLO. Then I wanted to move to a 3-6 or 5-10 game, but they software wouldn’t let me cos I had set table limits to max 2-4 before I blocked the account. This was a drag cos at higher stakes I would have had a fair chance of winning my money back where at 2-4 I would have to play much longer and maintain my A game if I was to have any chance at all.
So I was pissed about it, started steaming again and lost all but $35. I was very tired and wanted to go to bud, but I could never leave a loser and I had to lose the last $35 first. So I played a $30 spin&go won it, then won a couple of more of these and had $400. Back to the $2-4$ HU game, built it to a little over a thousand again and I said to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if I cut my losses here, cashed this out and never looked back. And I remember saying to myself ‘yes, it would be very nice indeed’, but needless to say I proceeded to lose it all. It was around 6am when I lost the last money I had there.
And I felt violated. I guess that’s the word that describes it the closest. Violated. Maybe not the best analogy, but I felt what I think inmates feel after being raped in prison. Totally helpless, overwhelmed, defiled…
Trying to keep busy now. Being busy preserves my sanity I find.
Here’s to day #0