In response to your query about ways to speak to a CG, Partner12, I would say, as a Compulsive Gambler myself, that words spoken to or by a CG, during the active phase mean little or nothing.
The words you speak to him/her will be filtered . The mind of a CG (while in the gambling mode) is like a broken network of electrical wires with flawed connections . Thoughts are masked by a thick fog. Words sound jumbled and responses are seldom accurate. We only hear what will enable us to stay in action with minimal effort on our part, but if necessary, we will step up the efforts and use a barrage of language which will leave the listener so confused , he or she will be lost for further words! This is a well known CG tactic. Bamboozle the listener with confused messages and while they are trying to decipher what has been said, the CG has given him/herself a getaway to gamble again. Trying to communicate by applying rational words to irrational thoughts will not succeed.
What you DO , not what you say is important at this stage.
In my experience and what would have helped me to “wake up” sooner would be if my “nearest and dearest” had LISTENED. CGs send out cries for help in unusual ways. In their efforts to stop us gambling F and Fs often say the very wrong things. For example. My husband would say “Why am I not surprised” when I would text him from the casino at three am to say I had lost yet another month’s salary. My (distorted) mind interpreted that to mean ” Keep gambling . I don’t care”. Or if I attempted to explain how I felt he would say “Don’t involve me; I’m not the person who gambled XXXXX amount”. Another excuse for me to carry on gambling.
There is a big difference between “ignoring” and “listening”. CGS are very sensitive to both.
There is also a fine line between “helping” and “enabling”. The wrong words at the wrong time can do a lot of damage.
What I needed to hear when I was at the stage when I really wanted to stop would have been. “You CAN do. I will be there to support you” Of course the words would have to be backed up with immediate action e g “Would you like me to take your Bank cards and cash NOW and keep them safe for you” versus “If you don’t stop this nonsense I will confiscate your cash and cards and you will have no money to gamble”. The first is an offer of help and a way to preserve a CG’s dignity . The second, a threat and a blow to an already deflated ego.
The words a CG wants to hear to allow the “action” to continue can be drawn from the person’s mouth by intimidation and manipulation . Being aware of when you are being “set up” is important . That is the time for silence .
I hope this helps. It is just my experience but I hear many CGs sharing similar thoughts. Sometimes, a CG will listen to outsiders and take advice from them rather than following a partner’s advice. Maybe that is why GA, GT and Residential Treatment work best. It leaves the CG with our dignity, privacy and pride intact and prevents undesirable “slap ups” when /should other difficulties surface later on .
Just my personal thoughts!
I wish you well in your own recovery.
You don’t have the “addiction” but you will have been affected by it and need support for you. Gamanon provides face to face support for people in your situation.
Keep the lines of communication open with your CG. and keep it simple.
Keep posting.
