Dear diary
As I try to recap what I share with friends, I benefited when I remember to use them in my daily life.
In cognitive behavioral therapy, I understand the connection between my thoughts and feelings, and how my thoughts and feelings influence my behavior.
It teaches me that while I cannot control the people, places and things around me, I can take control of how I look and deal with them.
I can change my action, instead of doing nothing and getting stress by the heat in a warm place, I can move to an air-conditioned room or movie theatre, my feeling can change from stress to one which is relax and resting. The stress causes gambling thoughts while the relax and comfortable feeling make the gambling thoughts disappear.
I can change my thoughts, I am not attracted by a winning gamble now. Each temptation to gamble to win more money when the opportunity comes has led me to periods of compulsive gambling, I have watched how my every winning turn into losses in the end. I was convinced that I am a compulsive gambler. I do not want to lose a single dollar in the end. I do not want to gamble anymore.
I can understand what the illness of depression feels like. It can make me feel depress, hopeless, weak, helpless and anxious. I cannot control this bad feeling and this illness is not my fault. It will not go away and my will-power and determination cannot keep me still and safe for long. It can turn into an anxiety or panic attack.
I learn to pray and focus on God, I learn to rest in God. God make me feel secure and safe. God give me the hope, strength and courage to remain calm instead of self medicating with gambling or drinking. God help me to do what I cannot.
I am walking down a different street.
