What is it you’ve actually won? The money you lost in a few hours the other night? You’ve got your money back, big bloody deal. Be much better to see you get your sanity back!
In my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others I have seen over the years no words from anyone will pull you out of the perilous deep waters you are wading in at the moment. Only you can bring yourself to your senses which you will do, sooner rather than later I hope. But doubt.
You ask, “What do I do now? I’m mean I’m obviously capable of winning at poker only if I concentrate and play well…” Maybe it’s obvious to you but what’s obvious to me is the way your thought process has quickly changed you will never be capable of winning at poker, because you are a compulsive gambler and, usually sooner, rather than later, you will lose it all back. A statement you would have agreed with on any of the sixty three days leading up to Saturday.
“Wouldn’t it be a tremendous waste of talent if I quit now when there’s overwhelming evidence that I can actually win?” It would only be a tremendous waste of talent if you were to turn your back on recovery. The overwhelming evidence that you can actually win doesn’t exist.
1. You lost $2800 on Saturday night.
2. You started the New Year in a position where you had to borrow money to cover your living expenses.
3. You don’t tell your wife about how your gambling nearly made you all homeless.
4. You said when you first came here that you’d been fighting your addiction for decades.
There is overwhelming evidence of a couple of things that I can see; how quickly we can become delusional after gambling begins, and that you are a compulsive gambler.
Who knows why you went gambling, is it really important? But “Maybe because I saw other people here relapsed and lived” is possible, But would that be the same people that now have to live hand to mouth for several extra months, go without a social life for months, all because they relapsed and lived. Or the ones that are now homeless or jobless all because they relapsed and lived. Something to aspire to indeed.
“Maybe because I thought I can have a fun evening out with the guys and not turn it into desperate money-chasing event.” Is that what you thought? A few weeks ago you knew this wouldn’t be possible. If so something obviously isn’t working for you, (or something’s missing from your recovery. (Dare I suggest not being open and honest with your wife, (who you were missing on day 62, but who hasn’t had a mention since you gambled)).
“Or maybe it was inevitable as I am a compulsive gambler to the core”. No way. Being a compulsive gambler is not an excuse for going gambling. It should be the reason you don’t gamble. Being aware you are a compulsive gambler should hopefully lead you onto a place where you are able to utilise all the support offered. I am a compulsive gambler Jansdad and I think it’s far from inevitable that I will gamble again. History might say otherwise, but history is in the past and that’s where my gambling is.
Hope you’re not in cloud cuckoo land for too long.