Charles, Vera and I did it, thankyou for your posts and kind support, there is a pattern…..there is always a pattern, I havent been around for a few days and I havent been working hard on my recovery!!!
Today I gambled, after some really good time in recovery, I was doing really well, paying off loans, overdrafts, loan sharks and also treating my wife and children to the things they so deserve.
I planned to gamble today, I obtained the money, took a days holiday from work (without my wife knowing) and I went out and gambled, as we all know what happens but I will tell you anyway I lost every last penny (apart from £20) there is a reason why I kept that last £20, this morning I promised my boy 5 x packs of football cards (he collects them) if he was good today and my little girl asked me for a Puddsy badge (children in need badge) as she had noticed it a few days ago while shopping with her mum, I finished my gambling spree and brought the football cards and the puddsy badge along with a pair of light up ears (children in need gift) for my girl also, then hit the pub to contemplate life, I walked in here with £10 cash and my credit card that has £14 left on it……I sit here now on my fourth pint (card maxed out) and £10 in my pocket (enough for another 3), and honestly wander why I am such a shit person, why do I do what I do, I hate myself for what I am and what I have become, my mum and dad brought me up well and I just became the person I am along the way, I am a compulsive gambler, borderline alcoholic and at times I have so much anger inside I cant explain (just want to add I have never layed a finger on my wife in 20 years) (or my children), I am not like that but I do have this built up agression inside……..
The only reason I write this is so I can look back on it and learn, I work really hard to support my family I promise you I do and also show them love and effection, I hide the destruction I have caused so as not to effect them and I have worked really hard at paying off the mess I have caused……….today was massive, its all my own fault, I dont have anyone else blame apart from myself, I knew what I was doing and it was me doing it, I was trying to blast myself out of the hole I had dug………..and boy didnI blast myself…………..not out of the hole but another 30 foot deeper……….today I gambled (4th November 2016) and today I messed up, I am stuggling to see anyway out of this situation at the moment…….I turn 40 at the end of this month and while people I know are living in big homes and driving nice cars I am fighting hard to stay alive (in truth I know there are many poor souls out there who dont have enough food to live) and I need to be greatful for where I am in life, I am what I am and God knows I am sorry for all I do but I cant seem to stop doing it, I am weak and I know that, I have no willpower and I also know that.
I just want to say I am many many bad things and I put my hands up and admit to that but I love my wife and kids with all my heart………..when they get home from school my boy will have his football cards and my little girl will have her puddsy badge and light up ears!!!!
Just for today my name is Maverick and I am a compulsive gambler, last day gambled 4th November 2016, I hate what I have become and it needs to end……….I cant live with this addiction anymore and I have to work even harder this time to stop this madness, I dont have the energy anymore to keep doing what I am doing, God help me my friend as I know you do!!!!!
Will always wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your recovery and life.
Maverick