Dear diary
I am learning to do things totally different now. I am practicing my 12 steps recovery program where I learn how to give and love unconditionally.
I do not control these people, I don’t made the decision for them. I only show them the way, they have choices and made the final decision, I am learning to serve with no expectation, not even out of a genuine desire for the betterment of the other person. I suffered no loss in rejection, the person suffer a loss of blessing foregone.
I was exposed to some people who is mentally not well in some groups, it is really hard to please them. I am just grateful and thankful to have the awareness that these people know not what they are doing.
For the last 2 months, I have stretched myself to give generously within my means. Everything happens for a reason and I had the opportunity, it has been a period of intense learning for me.
In one Christian organization group, there is someone who was very unhappy I wore a T-shirt belonging to another volunteer welfare organization many month ago and last night when I bought the same person and 8 others supper, he tells everyone the money I had was from gambling wins. I don’t feel any resentment at all. It was alright.
In one anonymous group meeting, there is someone who is making many people uncomfortable, I met many newcomers with feeling of resentment after contact with this person. I met this person 2 times, I didn’t take serious notice the first time, but when the same thing happen in the second time, I notice that this person was a serious control freak, the person lack spirituality despite many years attending the anonymous group meeting, the person cannot stop boosting how many years she was in the program. She cannot stop taking other people inventory and cannot stop instructing others what to do and what to say. I don’t like the feeling, like many, I am no saint, she just have this ability to trigger my hot button, and I need to take a step back and let it pass.
These 2 person are not well, what I see is not normal but what they did is normal and right in their own eyes. They know not what they are doing.
It was a growing experience. I did not lose my happiness, peace and did not allow them to plant the seed of resentment inside me. Thank God for the protection.
I need to focus on taking my inventory and change myself. I need to persevere when things get difficult. I must not come down from the cross.
There is one good news tonight, a friend who is suffering from depression and have suicidal thought but is very stubborn and reluctance to seek help, is finally seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital. I am glad for this person because I cannot play God or doctor when I chat with the person, I can only encourage the person to seek God and see a doctor for help, the person do have a choice and need to made the decision themselves.
I do not self-medicate with alcohol or gambling. I am walking down a different street.
