What was it like in the past?
1. I stop gambling because of fear of a relapse. ( focus was on fear and gambling)
2. I stop gambling and want to forget my past. I was afraid of my dark past and facing them. I was afraid of it coming back to haunt me and affecting my daily life.
3. I don’t want to remember my past. It was too painful. After so many years, I was able to block out this part of my memory and forget.
4. Relapse felt like the end of the world. There is a lot of self-beating and guilt. I realize that I only stop gambling but nothing else about me have really change.
What happen?
I continue to fall sometime sooner sometime later. Until I found God and God provided me all the answer in my 12 steps recovery program so far, I am working step 4,5,6,7,8,9 now.
What is it like now?
1. I stop gambling by following God and the 12 steps recovery program. (focus was more on positive ways of living my life)
2. I stop gambling and become mentally stronger, it was alright to remember my past now, it was a painful reminder of who I once was and what terrible wrongdoing I am capable of doing. I felt remorseful, I want to repent, I seek a change of heart and mind. I work harder to get close to God.
3. Working step 4 forces me to go back in times and help me remember exactly what I have done in the past, it peel and strip the outer layer of my skin off and reveal what was inside, it helps me remember, it felt like it has just happen yesterday when it happen more than 20 years ago. Recalling terrible wrongdoing was a lousy feeling. The only difference and comfort I get was from the changes I see in my life now and the protection and hope I receive and get from God, I have started to do good.
4. What happen if the reality of a relapse happen? Well I never really think about it, my job was to focus on my recovery today, appreciate living my life one day at a time, I just need to stay total abstinent today, tomorrow I do the same but if it really happen, I will just pick myself up and try again, I will continue taking baby steps forward, frankly speaking, all the relapse happen because I was not doing it correctly and it help me to realize my mistakes, it help me change my direction until one day I got it right. It does help me progress. I am human, I am fallible.
I seek progress, not perfection in recovery.