I got sucked right back in on Day 5. One promising bet that won me 1k was enough to send me down the rabbit hole once again. I won, but at the same time it felt like i lost. For some reason, i felt sick in the stomach even though i won. Over the past few days, i re-lived the euphroia of winning and the sickening low of losses from unexpected results. As of today, my total losses are 12k. It’s 2k more than when i first came here, but at this point i’ve become so desensitised i don’t feel the pain. And this scares me.
When I won over the past few days, i felt like i could keep going forever, and i felt oblighted to keep going. Sometimes i think that, subconsciously, i actually want to lose. It felt like my objective was to gamble until I lost it everything instead of winning. It’s like I ‘wanted’ to lose so that i could finally stop. So that i could finally rest.
I start again today. I skipped tonight’s string of matches. One day at a time.