Hi everyone i appreciate your posts.. i have been so low and through such a bad time emotionally.. things are still bad.. i haven’t gambled in Ten days but i am suffering from this relapse so badly mentally.. I cant get it through my head, I can’t function properly I’m crying all the time, Im forgetting things, i cant concentrate, i cant sleep.. I feel unhealthy, my heart races to the point i feel its going to explode.. my blood pressure has gone up, when i do sleep i have nightmares, I’m scared about the future, Im scared that i will have nothing and no one and i will be in a heap… all this is inside me while i still try to carry on my normal responsibilities, of work, family carer, mum, friend, I’m such a good actress i should have pursued that avenue..
Ive certainly won the golden globe for ruining myself though.. Im an A plus at totally destroying myself.. the question is why do i ruin things when they become good.. why do i relapse when my life is finally peaceful and all going well.. its really sick. Can i ever change this, i dont know. Can i stay in recovery, I’m doubtful. Im trying but i doubt it. Five years of the same old story gives me this doubt. Ive tried everything under the sun. I am my own worst enemy. There is something within that makes me do this and i am really trying to figure it all out. Im going to counselling. Poor counsellor has to listen to all my garble. Im trying my best. I just dont know if its good enough. i dont know if i am. I feel worthless and useless and unappreciated and unloved. Im really feeling sorry for myself.. just being honest. I feel some relief typing these words. I have family but they are really all so separate, all so involved in their own stuff they have little interest in what goes on anywhere else it seems. I have already suggested I’m not coping in my life but that seemed to fall on deaf ears. I have told my doctor and continue to get therapy. Im just desperate to feel better. Its really torture to feel like this. My emotions are crippling… Ive gone from not feeling a thing to being so overwhelmed with feeling that i cant hardly sit still. I just feel pain, i feel helpless, i feel totally out of control..
P