To answer your question, Chamomile, I would say, CGs have to lie. Our whole Gambling “Career” is based on Illusion so every aspect of gambling becomes a lie to the point where we end up believing our own lies! Yet, I can’t say “every gambler is a liar”, no more than “Every liar is a gambler” . Or the same goes for theft. I know many, many gamblers who have no debt because they funded their addiction through theft. In my book that is both lies and theft but it all hinges on how one defines Truth , which I would say ” everything that opposes Truth is a lie”. Its a complex issue, however . Knowing why people feel they have to lie would need to be teased out at a professional/spiritual level. Many CGs (and non CGs of course) have been so hurt/damaged from an early age that they need to confabulate which involves creating a fantasy life. They do not intentionally set out to hurt others by lying but lying at any level ALWAYS hurts. To say “I lied to protect my relationship” is still a lie , because, not only are you causing damage to your own self-worth, you are also gravely undermining the other person to the point of offending their trust and integrity. When my children were young, I came down heavily on them when they lied because one lie leads to another and like any bad habit , it needs nipping in the bud. Your “love” has grown beyond the budding stage but somewhere along the line, gambling was added to his habitual lying, hence the continued confusion which has led to a point where YOU are questioning your own integrity. All because of his inability to be honest.
At this stage, I would suggest Joint Counselling. This way, at least you will see the reason for your husband’s lies and you can confront him in the presence of a third party, which will prevent arguments about who said what. And more importantly you can help him to see the damage lies do to a relationship.
Personally, I find it hard to cope with liars, chiefly because they tend to use the worn out clichés like, “Now you’re judging” or “How about YOU? Are you perfect? “, when they are faced with Truth.
If a person dishes out distorted /flawed/ contorted/ economical versions of the Truth, I find myself doubting EVERYTHING they say! I ask myself “is this person genuine at any level? ” That is not a judgement . The least we can expect in any relationship is clarity of perception and accuracy of response. Gamblers are BAD at both. We deflect/manipulate/distort and yes- LIE! My main lies were told to cover my tracks because if I told the truth , my gambling days would have been numbered and that is every CGs greatest dread!
So . back to your comment about inability to trust your guy. Only you can answer if it is worth sticking together to tease all his (and your !!!) flaws out in safe setting . Trust CAN be re built. I hear lots of older men in GA describing how their whole lives were a lie–until they grew up! CGs are emotionally immature people. I don’t think I have met one who would deny this!
Keep using the Forum for help for YOU.
(By the way , have you told your CG you come here or is that a “secret”??)
