Dear diary
Dated 15 November 2016
Today I learnt the importance of making myself accountable to someone to protect my recovery.
There were days that I have to earn my next clean day to keep my continuous gamble free days, yesterday was one of them.
The opportunity came and the temptation was there, I have very strong confident in a soccer match and really wanted to go ahead to place the bet, I would have won a month salary.
Why didn’t I do it?
I am enjoying my sobriety and I really treasure the peace, calm and joy I am having everyday now. I risk losing all these if I had place the bet. I have to make my choice carefully.
I did not forget the period or times when I could not hear my conscience that is guiding and keeping me safe, all I could hear was my addiction talking. I prayed but I cannot feel or hear God, there was no connection at all. If I choose to gamble, the same thing is going to happen again.
This is a time to test me how serious and how much do I love my recovery, am I willing to sacrifice something I love to protect my recovery etc. job, money, people and place.
The money amounting to one month of my salary winnings will be nice to have but it is threatening to take my eyes away from my God and the 12 steps recovery program.
I check myself, no one will know if I did not tell anyone I gamble. I could go ahead to gamble and win the one month salary. When my focus on God and the 12 steps recovery program is replace by work, money, health, relationship with people, my recovery will be threaten and in danger.
The answer was very clear, I am accountable to my God, my 12 steps recovery program, my support groups, my recovering friends. I did not have to struggle much to make a decision. I want to be accountable to God, the group and people I know.
I have a responsibility and I want to be honest, I want to obey and follow God and my recovery program, It was wrong to allow myself to gamble.
I may have a price, but I do not know, I will know only when the test come, but last night I was able to sacrifice one month salary winning by not gambling.
I did this to protect the peace, calm and joy I had now.
I did not drink or gamble. I am walking down a different street.
I would not have this problem if I had not study the gambling odds and predicted the match. I was correct. Bolivia beats Paraquay.
