So today is a new day, and today I will not gamble. I will make myself useful. I will not ponder, or feel sorry for myself. I will apply myself to all my tasks.
It may be too late to save my relationship. It may be too late to save my business. But it is not too late to save myself. Because life goes on. People —- up. I know other people who have —-ed up and have sorted themselves out. It takes time. i cannot fix it in one day, or 2 days. But day after day of humble, hard work on myself and focusing, letting go of the ego, I can fix myself.
I will probably never achieve my dreams now, but there are new dreams. Life must change. I have a young son who I adore, and this disease has gotten in the way of that. It took over everything. Even on my last period of abstinance I regretted never being able to play again – I think that’s why i relapsed. I wanted it to be different.
I know now that it never will be. I am in the office early today. What I would normally do is, when alone, fire up the poker site and say “I;ll have a few hands”. I might win some, I might lose some. But I would never stick to the time – or stopping when I had won enough. It was never enough. Then I would lose it – and then lose more. Then feel like shit and hate myself.
I want off that merry go round. Someone at GA said that he has to avoid the second bet, not the first. Because he can only make a second bet if he makes the first.
I know that the game of poker is circular and goes nowhere except wasting time. And emotions. And energy. And life. And I have nothing left to give the game. It gave me nothing, why should I give anything back.
So here I am in my office, with loads of work to catch up on. I cannot catch up on all of it so I must make decisions on what is most pressing and organise my time.
Today has to be the first day of the rest of my life – when at work, work. Don’t kill myself, but be focused and, most importantly, enjoy it.
If any of you have any advice, I am happy to listen. I need all the help I can get to sort myself out. I want to be able to say in 6 months I made the right decisions now, and to be 6 months fully free of gambling, out of my depression, with a future to look forward to.
All my love
Mav