Hi Lizbeth, you are such an inspiration- I am so glad you do keep posting and I hope I will keep posting too!
Well, today has been without a doubt one of the hardest days I have had since being a CG (of course there are many terrible days to when actually gambling). Anyway, I woke up in a panic- almost terrified of the money I had lost and my mind just kept thinking and thinking that I needed to go gamble to get it back! I got dressed, went to bank- did all my gambling things I do, like have cash- use a certain cross body purse ect ect… and I even told myself, “well I banned myself yesterday and the paperwork is not there yet, so I can go one last time.” I stopped in the parking lot of bank, tried to reason with myself and drove a little further to park. I pulled over under a tree and cried, I was having the hugest urge to gamble, and I prayed for God to help me! I then googled on my phone gambling urges and up came an article from Gambling Therapy that explained that the urges will pass, they seem terrifying and but when we break then down, and first accept it for what it is an urge, and then realize we don’t have to respond to it, and if we wait it out and distract ourselves it will lessen and eventually go away. I read and read the article, until the urge that was a monster slowly started to disapate! I then went to the store and looked around, ran into a friend I had just met, and after I went out to my car- wham another huge urge to go gamble! This time, I pointed my car towards the casino and drove all the while thinking of the article I read, but still heading that way! I eventually pulled over again, read the article again, waited for it to pass again and turned back towards home! All in all 2 1/2 hours was spent with me out there in panic mode, actually half believing in my mind I could win back the thousands of dollars I have lost in the past months/years, heck who knows! It’s the amount of money that gets me! As the years progressed the amounts got higher and higher, until now I’m just in panic over how long it will take to get even remotely halfway back to normal! This disease is so terrible…On my way back from my “drive” all over creation with my urges in full force, I called a therapist that my other counselor suggested since she is closer to me and well she didn’t answer but I left a message and said I want to come in soon! Now I’m home, my house is a mess the dogs are barking, a storm is coming and I have a million things to do- BUT I did NOT gamble… I don’t really feel a sense of accomplishment or anything, I just feel awful still, but I am so thankful for this site because it literally kept me from going today and I couldn’t wait to get on here and be able to express my feelings!! Day 3- Very hard but trying to move on again….
