Getting a bit stressed with work so thought I’d take a break and make today’s post. I’m struggling with my thoughts. Was too tired to go shopping yesterday so still have my weekly cash in the bank. By default my brain seems to revert to thoughts about gambling. Numerous times last night when I was trying to sleep I realised I was visualizing spinning reels. Reliving past wins, inventing fantasy wins. I tried to think about something else but 10mins later I would realise I was thinking about slots again. At the gym this morning I was on the treadmill and realised I was thinking about slots again. It’s normally around three days after a loss I start rattling a bit and thinking of ways to gamble. I’ve started the recovery process so surely I can have a small bet until the real help begins? That’s what I’m asking myself. With payday coming on Friday I would normally be planning a session. For years now my full wage goes out to repay short term debt and that frees me up to borrow again for the month ahead. Planning the session helps me get through my work as I feel I have something to aim towards. A reward at the end of a busy week. Not having that is making it harder for me to complete my work. I won’t gamble today. I can’t reward myself with a drink either after my work is complete either because my resolve will go out the window. Need to get back to work so I’ll just crack on and hope for a better sleep tonight.
