Hi wrkshoez,
Welcome to the forum and well done on taking a positive step.
First, you are not alone in the situation you find yourself in and the feelings, I can relate to almost everything you have written, and I expect many others on this forum can do.
As a next step, I would strongly recommend attending one of the New Members Groups, there is one on tonight (19:00 UK time) , and you can get some great advice/tips from Charles on further positive next steps to take. These groups generally have lower numbers attending allowing Charles to give specific advice for your situation, I found this group very useful when I first joined the forum.
You asked ” I want to not want to do this anymore. Is that possible?”. From my experience, in the early days of recovery, there are going to be periods where you are fully determined to never gamble again, but then also periods where the urges to gamble are really strong. To help with this, you want to place as many barriers in place during the periods of non-gambling determination that you can (again the New Members Group will help identify good barriers you can put in place) , this will make it more difficult to gamble when urges do occur giving you more time to think through your actions, and making it more likely that you will be able to resist that urge.
As you stay gamble free for longer and longer, these urges to gamble will still pop up from time to time, but they will generally get less frequent, less intense, and become more manageable.