Hello apatterson
It is so hard when you know something is wrong and you don’t know what it is, so although his gambling problem is scary at least you are aware and can protect yourself and hopefully point your boyfriend in the right direction. I hope you will continue posting and getting your thoughts out.
Lies are your boyfriends coping mechanism at the moment. He doesn’t know why he can’t gamble like other people and he will be lying to cover his confusion and misery, hoping he can get away with continuing to gamble without detection. Unfortunately, if the problem isn’t accepted and help sought the problem will get bigger as will the lies.
Well done giving him the link to this site. Our helpline, ‘gambler only’ groups facilitated by Charles and our forum will all welcome him and understand him – all he has to do is register. He will be anonymous, so he has nothing to lose but everything to gain.
Facing a gambling addiction and thinking what life will be like without it is very frightening to a gambler; he may well ask for time and make excuses until the cows come home rather than face his demons. It takes courage and determination but if he can summon those then a gamble-free life can be his – I know or I would not be here writing to you.
The intervention that you envisage between your boyfriend, his boss his co-workers and you is possibly an excellent idea provided that everyone understands that it is not about reprimanding or threatening. It must be calm and non-judgemental. A gambling problem is only, about the actual ‘gamble’, money is merely the tool necessary to achieve that goal. Your boyfriend neither asked for, nor wanted this problem; he couldn’t have known when he first gambled that misery and failure would be his lot.
I am sure he does want to be better and I can understand his fear that he might not be able to stop but you can reassure him that he is far from alone. It would not surprise me if he doesn’t actually like the man he has become. I personally know many gamblers who have changed their lives and who live really happy gamble-free lives – possibly even better for having taken on this destructive foe and learned to control it.
It is ok to tell his that whatever it takes you will walk beside him but it is important that you know that you cannot stop him gambling, that is something he has to want to do for himself.
I have no problem with believing your boyfriend is a good guy but he does have a problem that is far from good.
When he learns to control his problem then trust can eventually follow, so turn around and look at your boyfriend again, he is the same man you have loved for years, the difference is that your eyes have been opened to a problem that neither of you recognised, understood or deserved.
Velvet