40 seems a significant number so i thought i would post today.
6 weeks ago i was wondering how i was going to fuel my engine to get me to work to earn the money to pay for the gambling debts for the previous month. i was desperately trying to sell things to get me through, knowing i had to change but not believing it was possible.
within that 6 weeks i have worked 8-10 hours 7 days a week ( an opportunity that i am still extremely grateful for) have used that money to pay off some of the debts and do some repairs on my car that was long overdue, i have bought everyone something for xmas (something that i was sure wasnt going to happen) and had 4 sessions of therapy…that’s a hell of a lot for 6 weeks, i am emotionally drained and my whole perception of myself is changing, i don’t know who i am when i thought i did, gambling seems to be something i was using to escape my past and reality, to create a world of isolation and self destruct.
i have had 2 friends this week reach out and tell me they miss me and spending time with me, they don’t know that i am a gambler, i have spent a lot of energy avoiding spending time with them and yet they are still there waiting for me. 1 is someone who i avoid out of guilt due to her ex years ago dropping a bomb shell into her world and confessing that he was a gambler and that he had gambled the house away, she tried to end her life and ended up in a mental institute, i stood by her side and she has a good life now, how ironic that i would end up being a CG also. she thanked me for helping her through her dark days and how she often remembers me when a song is playing, it broke my heart and i wanted to weep but i feel blocked at present. this is the reality of what my gambling not only does to me but people i love, they aren’t aware but i am and it hurts and i want it to hurt! i want the pain to be a reminder that i need to keep going forward and not return to that place.
today i will have no excuses and i will not gamble