Hi. It’s me again with a new post in journal.
Today I’m not writing about gambling. That may not be suitable for this site, but whatever.
I want to say it here, because no one will know.
I just attempted to kill myself. From what I’ve read, everyone seems to understand the term “attempted suicide” as an actual *attempt* –
like a failed attempt that lead to health injuries and disabilities et cetera, but that the person survived.
What I did was a quick walk to the nearest building 17 floors high, getting to the 17th floor, and looking down the balcony.
I stayed there for like 30 minutes, but didn’t do it.
So you could say it wasn’t even an attempt.
For me it was. I even wrote a letter to my parents and placed it on my desk before quitting. Thank God nobody came home before I did.
You may ask why. Why am I so weak. I’m a weak human being, I agree.
My current situation is quite complicated. That is, I live in a country that wants me to die.
It wants me to go to the army and die for this shithole.
They already banned me from crossing the border. What comes next is making my life more difficult until it becomes a living nightmare.
There’s no way out now – it’s all over.
I should’ve escaped – should’ve *evacuated* long ago – before the war started – before everything, when I was at school.
My parents at that time considered sending me off to study in another country.
I, however, was a small stupid child, oblivious to the world around me.
Now I’m here – I’m reaping what I’ve sown.
That’s why. Nothing matters now – at all.
However, I’m too weak and too scared even to do this.
I’m too small, too alone and powerless.
And I hate myself for that.