Powerlessness
As gambling addict, we react to the word “powerless” in a variety of ways.
Some of us recognize that a more accurate description of our situation simply could not exist, and admit our powerlessness with a sense of relief.
Others recoil at the word, connecting it with weakness or believing it to indicate some kind of character deficiency
Understanding powerlessness
– And how admitting our own powerlessness is essential to our recovery
– will help us get over any negative feelings we may have about the concept.
We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control.
Our addiction certainly qualifies as such an uncontrollable, driving force.
(One is too many, a thousand is not enough)
• We cannot moderate or control our gambling or other compulsive behaviors, even when they are causing us to lose the things that matter most to us.
• We cannot stop, even when to continue will surely result in irreparable physical damage.
• We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren’t for our gambling, things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them.
• We may even decide that we don’t want to gamble, that we aren’t going to gamble, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity presents itself.
• We may have tried to abstain from gambling or other compulsive behaviors – perhaps with some success -for a period of time without a program, only to find that our untreated gambling eventually takes us back to where we are before.
In order to work the first First Step, we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep level.
19. Over what, exactly am I powerless?
My emotions, people, alcohol, slot machines, football punting, casino table games and horse racing.
20. What have I done (I have done things) while acting out my gambling that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
Drinking after using the slot, or using the slot after drinking, and heavy borrowing.
21. What things have I done to maintain my gambling that went completely against my beliefs and values?
The lying to hide my heavy gambling and debts, the womanizing and sex after heavy drinking, the borrowing, cheating and stealing to get more money to feed my habits.
22. How does my personality change when I am acting out my gambling?
(Do I become arrogant? Self- centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny? – complaining a lot or protest in a childish or annoying fashion, especially in a high-pitched sound and sad voice)
My feeling becomes my top priority, I become selfish, self-centered, self-seeking and less loving. I feel that I need to continue drinking and gambling to fix the problem.
I love to be in control of the situation. I justified, rationalize and reason to self and others. I convince and manipulate those around me that what I was doing is the right thing. I complaint and blame my luck and misfortune for what has happen to me and not others. My tolerance and love for others was very bad. I become impatient and angry.
23. Do I manipulate other people to maintain my gambling? How?
I never tell them I was actively gambling and incur new debts.
I lied to them that I needed to service my old debt and do not have enough money.
They wanted to help and lend me the money in the end.
24. Have I tried to quit gambling and found that I couldn’t? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without gambling that my abstinence didn’t last very long? What were those times like?
I have tried to stop alcohol and gambling; I failed many times.
Each time the reality of living life on life’s term hit me,
I learn that many bad things can happen to good people in recovery, they can be very painful and hard.
I do not have the wisdom to understand that bad things can also happen to good people;
bad things can also happen when we try to do good or do the correct thing.
I feel the discomfort, stress and pain in those difficult situations.
Not drinking alcohol and gambling make it worst and more painful, the feeling is raw.
I was foolish, and desperate to escape and numb the pain.
I wish the pain to go away; I was stupid and willing to risk everything to self-medicate to feel better.
I knew the consequences of taking alcohol or gambling was bad,
but I have already become so selfish, dishonest and irresponsible and do not care anymore.
When I was stress and anxious, I remember what alcohol and gambling can do for me, it offers me an escape and solution to my problem.
Many times, slot was used when I need to find a relief from anxiety, loneliness and stress. Same reason I use alcohol.
Alcohol and gambling were a familiar and predictable way for me to numb the pain and suffering in my life.
25. How has my gambling caused me to hurt myself and others?
I became helpless and hopeless in the end, nothing I do can stop me from gambling and losing everything.
I have killed my career that I work so hard to build over so many years. I also lose my family, friends and clients. I get into so much debt that I cannot see a future. I was so broken that I was living in misery and depression. I tried to kill myself unsuccessfully 2 times.
I borrow money from people who trusted me, they become my victims when I did not return them a single cent. They could have used these monies for their retirement, medical fee and children educational fee beside living expenses like food and transport.
I was a constant reminder of the hurt and harm I gave to my family members when they see me.
I gave them a promise, betray their trust and killed their hope in me. I was so mean, heartless, wicked and cruel to do these to them.
They don’t deserve to suffer or be punish for doing nothing wrong. They are paying the price for my mistakes.
Unmanageability
The first step asks us to admit 2 things
One, that we are powerless over our gambling
Two, that our lives have become unmanageable.
Our unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness.
There are 2 general types of unmanageability
• Outward unmanageability, the kind that can be seen by others;
• Inner, or personal, unmanageability
Outward unmanageability is often identified by such things as arrest, job losses, and family problems.
• Some members have been incarcerated.
• Some members have never been able to sustain any kind of relationship for more than a few months.
• Some of us have been cut off from our families; ask never again to contact them.
Inner or personal unmanageability is often identified by unhealthy or untrue belief system about ourselves, the world we live in, and the people in our lives.
• We may believe we are worthless
• We may believe that the world revolves around us –not just that it should, but that it does
• We may believe that it isn’t really our job to take care of ourselves, someone else should do that.
• We may believe that the responsibilities the average person takes on as a matter of course are just too large a burden for us to bear
• We may over or under react to event in our lives.
• Emotional volatility is often one of the most obvious ways in which we can identify personal unmanageability.
26. What does unmanageability mean to me?
There was so much stress and no peace in my life. I struggle with work, finance and my relationship with my family and other people.
I cannot keep a job for more than a year. I cannot complete simple task like paying my credit card and phone bills.
My family members, girlfriend and friends don’t trust me and don’t want to have anything to do with me.
There was no stability in life. Every area of my life is out of control.
27. Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my gambling? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
Bankruptcy proceeding. Cheating and stealing…
28. What trouble have I had at work or school because of my gambling?
Borrowing or taking time off from work using mc.
29. What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my gambling?
There is no trust, they are held hostage by our relationship, they threaten to kick me out of the house.
30. What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my gambling?
Fight due to alcohol use. Friendships are discontinued.
31. Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
Yes, I was always busy when I am gambling, I will not be there for my family and girlfriend, they don’t get the time, love and attention they so needed and deserve.
32. Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
They don’t feel secure as a result of my behavior. I was not there for them.
33. Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
Definitely not, I don’t have the means to provide and when I do, I was too self-centered and selfish to want to do that, I want to keep the money as capital to feed my habits.
34. Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
I could not cope with the many stresses, it causes me to explode in anger and lose self-control, I always become impulsive and resign from the job or walk away from a relationship.
35. Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
I cannot cope with the stress from my work., my superior feel that because I do well, I can do more, many times it ended up in a lose-lose situation when I decided to quit and walk away. My bosses don’t understand my limit and restrictions.
36. Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
I feel that I must fix the crisis.
If I don’t have enough money to pay for a bill or something urgent, I will gamble.
If I am having panic attack, or feeling anxious, tense, helpless or angry as a result of this crisis, I turn to heavy drinking to help me cope.
37. Do I ignore signs that some things may be seriously wrong, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.
My debt becomes bigger and I still feel that things will work out somehow, it always has. I continue gambling n borrowing.
My liver bile duct was choke. I was lock up behind bar due to alcohol and I still continue drinking.
38.When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my gambling? Describe.
I was on a losing streak, I was getting into deep trouble, I should stop but I continue to gamble.
I was very drunk, I should stop but I do not want to go home, I want to stay and continue drinking.
39. Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my gambling?
I have harm others mentally and emotionally. It was a painful torment for them. I have force them to look for the money that I need when they don’t have them, I rob them of their saving, money that could have been used to love and pamper themselves.
40. Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
If anyone accuse me of something I did not do, I will numb myself in drink and womanize or play the slot.
41. Do I gamble or act out my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?
Yes, definitely and all the times, I was seeking a relief from the pain and stress, it was a form of self-medication, I felt that feeling unhappy, disappointed, tense, anxious or angry was not right, I will have to correct these and fix it.
Reservations
Reservation are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse.
They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control.
• We may think that we can remain friends with people we gamble with?
• We may think that certain parts of the program don’t apply to us.
• We may think that there is something we just can’t face / stay clean – a serious illness, death of a loved one – and plan to gamble if it ever happens.
• We may think that after we have accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money, or been clean for a certain number of years, then we will be able to control our using.
• Reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds; we are not fully conscious of them.
• It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them – right here, right now.
42. Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
it is a very powerful and destructive disease; it robs me of everything I had.
43. Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my gambling? Can I still go to places where I gamble? Do I think it is wise to keep a betting account or paraphernalia around, just to remind myself or test my recovery? If so, why?
I would like to but my friend is still enabling me, it will be very difficult to stop drinking.
If I did not self-exclude or ban myself from gambling, I may want to do it one day and I will just go ahead.
44. Is there something I think I can’t get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I will have to gamble to survive the hurt?
At this phrase of my recovery, I don’t practice self-medication anymore, the only way there is any chances this can happen is when I lose my mind completely
45. Do I think that with some amount of clean time or different life circumstances, I will be able to control my gambling?
I tried many times; I wanted to enjoy my drinking and make money participating in game of chance and luck. I ended up losing any control I have.
46. What reservation am I still holding on to?
Everyone has a price. I am afraid that day will come.
What is saving me from it now was my relationship with God, that He will provide for all my needs, going back my old ways erodes any trust I have in Him.
Surrender
There is a huge difference between resignation and surrender.
Resignation is what we feel when we realized we are gambling addict but have not yet accepted recovery as the solution to our problem.
At some point of our life, we may have thought that it was our destiny to be a gambling addict, to live and to die like one.
Surrender on the other hand, is what happen after we accepted the First Step as something that is true for us and have accepted that recovery is the solution.
We don’t want our lives to be the way they have been.
We don’t want to keep feeling the way we have been feeling.
47. What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything?
It is a promise, a life time commitment.
It means no contingency plan for me anymore, no more plan B, to use alcohol to fix or correct my feelings and
no more using gambling as tool to make money and solution,
I will have to learn to sit on the feelings or live within my means, face the reality and consequences.
48. What convinces me that I can’t gamble successfully anymore?
I have tried for many times, it only works for a period of time and I gradually become obsessive and compulsive in the end, I cannot drink or gamble normally like other people.
49. Do I accept that I will never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
Yes, many times, after I have regained some level of self-control in my life, I tried again, it only works for a period and I become obsessive and compulsive in the end and lost all self-control, I cannot drink or gamble normally like other people.
50. Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender?
I don’t think I can do it without a total and complete surrender.
51. What would my life be like if I surrender completely?
It was actually not that bad after trying it, I had more happiness; I found peace, and joy in my life.
52. Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?
It was just impossible for me; I have done it many times over the last 10 years.
Spiritual Principles
In the First Step, we will focus on honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, humility, and acceptance.
Honesty
The practice of honesty from the First Step starts with the admitting the truth about our gambling, and continues with the practice of honesty on a daily basis.
When we say “I am a gambling addict” in a meeting. We begin to be able to be honest with ourselves and, consequently, with other people.
53. If I have been thinking about gambling or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?
Yes, binge eating.
54. Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my addiction, no matter how long I have had freedom from active gambling?
Yes, if I place the first bet and win, I cannot stop the next bet. If I place the first bet and lost, I cannot stop the next bet.
55. Have I notice that, now that I don’t have to cover up my gambling, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?
Yes, I do not need to lie or avoid anyone about my acting out, I was free from my bondage of addiction and slavery to money. Confessing to God, and another person.
Open-mindedness
Practicing the principle of open-mindedness found in Step One mostly involves being ready to believe that there might be another way to live and being willing to try that way.
It doesn’t matter that we cannot see every detail of what that way might be or that it may be totally unlike anything we have heard about before
What matters is that we don’t limit ourselves or our thinking
Sometime we may hear things that sound crazy to us like “surrender to win” or suggestion to pray for someone we resent.
56. What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing?
Praying for someone I resent. Handing over everything to God.
57. Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me?
Yes, resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person die,
I was told to pray until the resentment is taken out.
Self-will have brought us to where we are, it has not work for us.
I was told not to fix them ourselves anymore and handover to God.
58. In what way am I practicing open-mindedness?
My way does not work, try a new way. Give up my way and follow God’s way.
Willingness
• When we begin to think about recovery, many of us do not think it is possible for us
• We don’t understand how it work
• We go ahead with the first step anyway
That is our first experience with willingness.
Taking any action that will help our recovery shows willingness,
Etc. Going to meeting, getting members phone number and calling them.
59. Am I willing to follow my sponsor‘s direction?
Yes, recovery slogan, when all else fail, follow direction.
60. Am I willing to go to meeting regularly
Yes
61. Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?
Working my 12 steps recovery program workbook, stepping out of denial into God’s Grace workbook, attending meeting, talking to sponsor and other recovering person…..
Humility
It is expressed most purely in our surrender
Humility is most easily identified as an acceptance of who we truly are – neither worse nor better (than we believed we were when we were gambling).
62. Do I believe that I am a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my gambling?
Maybe not the biggest but definitely one, I depleted the saving of people around me. I broke their hearts. I cheat, lied, con, mislead, I betray any trust and broke many promises.
63. Do I believe that my gambling addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between? In society as whole? What is that sense?
Well, take away my addiction, I can be a productive person at home and the society.
64. How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the first Step.
Admitting that I am powerless over my addiction, accepting that alone I cannot do anything / fix my problem, handing over my problem to a Higher Power, do not think that I am always right all the time.
Acceptance
To practice the principle of acceptance, we must do more than merely admit that we are gambling addict.
When we accept our addiction, we feel a profound inner change that is underscored by a rising sense of hope. We also begin to feel peace.
We come to terms with our addiction, with our recovery, and with the meaning those 2 realities will come to have in our lives.
65. Have I made peace with the fact that I am a gambling addict?
Yes, I am powerless over gambling, after a period of acting out, I will lose all self- control and become compulsive.
66. Have I made peace with the things I will have to do to stay clean?
Yes, it helps with a Higher Power. God help me to do things I could not do in the past.
My way doesn’t work, it has sent me here.
I need to surrender my old way and live a new way of life.
Setting up barriers, learn to deny my desire and not feeding my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways.
May God’s will be done, not mine. It is all in God ‘s time, not mine. I learn to trust God’s timing and be patient.
67. How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?
I need to know my problem in order to find a solution. I cannot cure something that is not there.
68. Are we ready to move to Step Two?
Yes
69. Have we work Step One well enough
Yes
70. Are we sure it is time to move on
Yes
71. Have we spend as much time as others may have spent on this step?
Yes
72. Have we truly gained an understanding of this step?
Yes
Many of us have found it helpful to write about our understanding of each step as we prepare to move on.
73. How do I know it is time to move on?
I accepted my compulsive behavior, It is time for me to move on to find a solution to stop my first bet, to stop and stay stop.
74. What is my understanding of Step One?
Helps me to identified my powerless over my gambling addiction
How I have no control over them, how denial of my powerless and self-control hinder my recovery.
How gambling has brought unmanageability into my life,
many problems are there because of the gambling,
take away the gambling and the other problem will also go away.
75.How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?
We have come to a place where we see the results of our old way of life
and accept that a new way is called for,
we probably don’t yet see how rich with possibilities the new life of recovery is.
It may be enough just to have freedom from active gambling right now but soon we will find a void that we have been filling with gambling and other obsessive and compulsive behaviors.
This void begs to be filled. Working the rest of the steps will fill that void.
Next on our journey towards recovery is Step Two.
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by kin.