11. How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
I have blamed my mum, my creditor, my boss, my girlfriend for my behavior.
My mum or girlfriend upset me so I left the house to gamble.
My boss was unjust and unfair to me, I felt victimize so I gamble to made myself feel better.
My creditor chases me for my debt and I do not have enough money. I was stress so I gamble.
12. How have I compared my addiction with other’s addiction? Is my addiction “bad enough” if I don’t compare it to anyone else?
It was easy to lose my focus in recovery and compare our addiction when I hear others talk about becoming homelessness, family breaking up, jobless, heavy borrowing from loan sharks, indebted much more than me, committing suicide, suffering from mental illnesses, ending up in jail, and still cannot stop their self-destructive gambling.
I have hit rock bottom as a result of my addiction, I have become bankrupt mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. It was bad enough for me. Those was the darkest and most painful period in my life.
I feel that my overeating disorder, obsessive internet surfing causes the least financial damage for me compare to drinking and gambling.
I feel that alcohol and drugs cause the biggest health issue to my mind and body.
Workaholism and perfectionism damage my spiritual and emotional health
Gambling addiction wipeout any money I have in the quickest time.
13. Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
I only place a bet. I was able to stop. I lost the money in the end.
I only drank once in almost a year and over-spend.
I eat for pleasure, not for fuel and put on a lot of weight.
I spend too much time on internet surfing and giving myself less time to rest and sleep.
It was no consolation that the damage and destruction is not bigger than before.
I should have known better that I would still lose most and if not, all my money as a result.
I was still haunted by my foolish and stupidity act in allowing them to happen,
I can still feel the heartache and pain, regrets and guilt.
14.Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
I thought I know enough about my addiction, but I did not know about my blind spots and have not uncover all my reservation to gamble.
I did not have an immediate plan to replace gambling with something else when each reservation happened.
I was not prepared on what to do when I want to gamble.
I thought I can be more careful this time.
I thought I can keep my gambling under control by restricting the type of gamble
choosing lower risk,
limiting the amount I gamble and
no more all or nothing bet.
I thought I could stop and walk away when I lose control, I thought I will not become impulsive, compulsive and obsessive anymore.
I thought my saving will be safe from my gambling and I would not withdraw every single cent for gambling.
They never fail to get out of hand every time. The ending has always been the same all the time.
15. Am I avoiding action because I am afraid, I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I am worried about what others will think?
I avoided action because I was afraid that I cannot do something I love/gamble anymore.
I was ashamed to let my family know the reason was a simple and honest one because of my continue gambling.
I did not seek help because I did not want to lose my career and I was afraid of losing my job if the company knew I have unmanageable gambling debt and seeking help.
I never thought I will lose my family and get kick out of the house but it nearly happen.
Hitting bottom: Despair and Isolation
Our gambling brings us to a place where we can no longer deny the nature of our problem.
• All the lies,
• all the rationalizations,
• all the illusions
fall away as we stand face to face with what our lives have become.
• We realize we have been living without hope
• We find we have become friendless
• We are so completely disconnected that our relationships are a sham, a parody of love and intimacy.
(Sham: a thing that is not what it is purported to be)
(Parody in use: an imitation work created to imitate)
Though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state,
The truth is that we must pass through this place before we can embark upon our journey of recovery.
16. What crisis brought me to recovery?
I have tried to do recovery and stop drinking and gambling on my own between 1998 to 2005, I realize that I could not stay stop.
I would continue to drink and gamble, I continue to get into debts and losing every single cent and more.
I have killed my career and I was on the brink of losing my family.
17. What situation led me to formally work Step One?
When I accepted that I have lost control of my situation and I needed help, I can no longer manage this on my own. It is getting from bad to worst.
I accepted that I am powerless over alcohol and slot machines, football punting, horse punting, casino table games and that my life have become unmanageable as a result.
18. When did I first recognize my gambling as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so how? If not, why not?
It happened more than 30 years ago, I thought I could gamble, or drink and stop like a normal person so I didn’t seek help.
I didn’t know I needed help. I didn’t know I had an addiction to alcohol and slot or that I was a problem drinker and gambler.
I did not understand and didn’t know anything about impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and addiction.